SURVIVOR: BLOOD VS WATER 2 – 12/10/14

Even Jon is buying what Natalie is selling and that just proves how low the average IQ of Season 29 players’ is. I mean, really? You’re just going to accept that she didn’t know what to do? (Insert Amy Poehler GIF here) Really…? I’m telling you, we’re heading for a Baylor-Missy-Keith FT and it’s going to be epically…disappointing.

The morning of Day 33 arrives and Natalie finds Keith by the lagoon. She impresses upon him how she switched her vote to Alec because she thinks he deserves to be there more than Alec. She tells him they’re now in an alliance, and with Baylor and Missy’s help, they can take out Jonclyn. Keith is just dadgum happy he’s in an alliance with anyone, considering how unlucky he’s been all season. And this may be the perfect time for the stars to align for Keith, who’s survived 33 days by barely playing the game. He is the epitome of this season: stumble around, spit, find an idol, never talk, spit some more, try to give the idol way, and then when he does talk he screws up everyone else’s game. Sure, just give him the million bucks. I can’t wait to see what his responses are going to be at Final Tribal.

“Whu…? Why do I deserve a million bucks? (spits) Because I just do.”

“Y’all understand I had to sleep next to a ‘homo-sek-sual,’ right? I ain’t no never done that. That’s worth a million, right?”

“What would I do with a million bucks? Shoo…I’d go into the shrimpin’ business and Wes would be my 1st Mate…”

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. We have more importantly things to do, like a Reward Challenge! And this one will give the winning team what they need most. No, not food. A HOT SHOWER! And yeah, some food too, but after the HOT SHOWER.

The challenge is an obstacle course that involves a variety of tasks. No need to break it all down now. The tribe is split into groups of 3 who are tethered together.

The Blue Team
Keith
Missy
Jon

The Yellow Team
Natalie
Baylor
Jaclyn

I don’t need to say who I think is going to win, because we all remember the tease from last week, right? Missy is about to take a conk on the head and that’s going to change the whole episode. Let’s watch the train wreck!

Both teams get through the first obstacle (a pile of hay) and approach the wooden log hurdle obstacle which is where Missy takes the spill. Or is it…? We see her go over the first hurdle, but when she hits the second, it’s not with the “thump” we heard last week, it’s just a tap on her chest. Oh, those clever editors and sound people! But as the teams get to the next obstacle, which involves filling a bucket with water and going over a giant teeter-totter, this is where things get interesting.

The Yellow Team has a slight lead and maneuver over the giant see-saw relatively easily, but as the Blue Team “totters” down, Missy tweaks her ankle and looks to be in a lot of pain. The guys have to help her through the rest of the challenge, and they’re doing their best to keep up with the girls.

After the 2nd bucket of water is dumped into a receiving bucket, a sandbag is raised which drops a gate and the Yellow Team can move ahead, high-stepping through the spaces to a bundle of planks that have to be unscrambled to reveal a phrase.

As Blue is about to dump their 2nd bucket of water, Jon falls off the rise of steps which spills enough of the water to not allow the sandbag to go up. They have to return to the trough to fill their bucket a 3rd time, which thankfully is enough to move on.

But the Yellow Team has a bit of a lead and is making progress, until that little thing called “women can’t work together” kicks in and the girls start arguing over how the puzzle should go. That’s fine with the Blue Team, which remains calm and eventually catches the girls. As the 2 teams fight to figure out the last few pieces, the strength of the Blue team allows them to shift all the pieces a little faster and Blue wins Reward!

The issue of Missy’s ankle is foremost on Jeff’s mind, but Missy quickly remarks she’s fine and “it’s nothing.” As Jeff then milks this moment for how awesome it is for Blue and how shi**y it is for Yellow, Jon states that it’s exactly what Missy needs right now. Which, for some reason, pisses off Jaclyn, because she’s just a poor sport and it’s all about her. And, I guess, like some women out there, she just doesn’t like to hear her man be happy about another woman’s happiness. Oh, poor prom queen…

But Jon can sense a darkness in the Force. And so he does what all Jedi must do. He must forego all temptation and embrace simplicity. Forego the massage and embrace his inner desires. He is going to give his reward challenge to Baylor, so she can spend this time with her mom.

Or is it so he can spend some time with his Princess Leia…?
Or is it so he can rub it in her Alderann face that he didn’t give it to her?
Or is it so he can spend another night as a 3-some in that canopy bed?

Oh, snap, someone’s got to go to Exile. And to avoid having the fakest, “Who should we send,” discussion, Natalie simply volunteers to go, because the last thing she needs is to spend a night alone with either Jon or Jaclyn. Who would most definitely be grumpy as all hell that they’re not with their bunny… Natalie leaves and we’re left wondering what wicked thoughts are going through Keith’s mind as he’s heading off on his “date” with a mom and her daughter. Something sordid, I’m sure… Or maybe that’s just me.

Missy jumps on Baylor’s back and I’m already reminded of a porn I saw last week… Oh, shoot, nevermind, it’s the vodka talking, not me…

Everyone heads their separate ways and as Jon and Jaclyn are teased by Jeff about “getting what they want,” Jaclyn seemingly looks away, (like, oh s**t, I gotta spend time with HIM again?) and Jon is more interested in how his charitable act will improve his chances of getting jury votes. That’s it, Jon, always keeping your head in the game. Can’t wait to see what Jaclyn says about her time on Survivor (and their relationship) in 3-4 months from now…

Over at the Survivor Spa, the “team” is welcomed by 3 lovely masseuses bearing cold drinks and a Spanish welcome. Something like, “Welcome to your spa/massage with fruit and a meal,” but the only thing these gringos can say is “Ahhhhhh…..” having no idea what was just said. Man, I really wish they would have said something really awesome, like the Vietnamese women do every time I go get a pedicure… I know they’re talking s**t!

Keith, Baylor and Missy dig into the fixins’ and take a peak at Missy’s ankle, which is looking really swollen. Now, I’ve had my share of twisted and sprained ankles, and it looks no worse than what I’ve ever encountered. As long as you’re not in excruciating pain, I think she should be able to continue, albeit with limited mobility. But if she was sitting there screaming in pain, then she might have a break and require immediate medical attention. But look at me, I’m WebF**kingMD right now and can diagnose a patient while intoxicated and off a TV show. Whoop-de-frickin-doo!

Missy confesses she’s going to give it her all and let’s see what happens. They get back to feasting, and showering, and when they hit the massage tables, Keith is evidently in a place he’s never been in, and I’m just glad he didn’t get the wrong idea and embarrass himself and the entire Nale clan when his masseuse asked him to “turn over.”

“Well, I’ll be, that’s a dadgum boner.”

Regardless if that happened or not, Keith is feeling rejuvenated, exactly what he needs to make the push to Final Tribal…

When Jonclyn returns to their “love nest” (pay no attention to all those crew members lurking about and checking out Jaclyn’s smoking hot body) the only thing on their minds is discussing the bone-headed move by Natalie at the last Tribal. “I can’t believe she messed that up,” is what they think, except when Jaclyn proposes that maybe it wasn’t a simple mistake. “Maybe she’s got something with Keith and lied about it?” And it’s great to see she’s actually THINKING like a Survivor again. But Jon will have none of this, and just thinks their 5 is solid to the core. Either way, Keith is very good at challenges, and it could get interesting if he wins the next Immunity Challenge. And with all these Hidden Idols, it could get REAL interesting at the next Tribal.

Over at Exile, Natalie is having a rough go of it because this is the longest she’s EVER been apart from her sister in their whole lives. Natalie is emotional and is just looking forward to getting through the last 6 days of the game. I can’t begin to think what it must be like to be separated from your identical birth twin for 30 days, but I don’t need to. And I don’t really care…

Off to the Immunity Challenge we go and I can instantly see something truly frightening. It looks like this challenge is going to require players to raise their arms over their heads and show us THEIR F**KING HAIRY ARMPITS AGAIN! What?! No…! Who the hell is writing this season’s script? Cousin Itt? JFC, can we get a wet t-shirt contest or some kind of swimming challenge? Hell, I wouldn’t care if contestants had to hold a yoga plank position for an hour, but come on, another challenge sponsored by Sally Hansen?

As Missy is helped onto the mat by Baylor and Keith, ominous Lord of the Rings music is playing which means “something bad is about to go down.” Is this where the Orcs are drowned? Will Keith suddenly start using the word “precious” instead of “dadgum?”

Jeff recognizes there’s clearly some drama he can milk from this situation, but first we need to bring back Natalie from Exile, and she’s welcomed with open arms and a coconut husk full of rice. She relays to everyone how traumatic her time on Exile was, but can we get back to Missy, now? Jeff asks her for an update, and when she says it’s gotten worse, he brings in the Survivor Medical Team (one dude) to assess the situation. No knock on him, mind you, I just expect to see a Ringling Bros. level of clowns climbing out of an ambulance whenever I hear the word “team” on a reality show.

After examining Missy’s ankle, Dr. Oz can’t be certain how significant the injury is, but at a minimum it’s a serious sprain, and at worse, a minor fracture. But the only way to determine that is to pull her from the game to do an x-ray. And my mind is already spinning about how this situation is going to be somehow mishandled…

And we have another first! Medical determines that that injury is not life threatening, thus leaving the decision up to Missy. She clearly wants to stay in the game, so she agrees to have her ankle immobilized, but that means she has to sit out of the challenge. And can anyone remember anyone sitting out a challenge under these circumstances? Yes, I know players sit out and choose to feast, but this is just admitting you’re not CAPABLE of playing, which, I thought, is the whole point of the show…

The challenge involves standing on two wooden “pegs” and holding onto 2 handles (like workout cables attached to pulleys). The pegs are on either side of a see-saw board, on which a platter and vase rest. As the see-saw tilts back and forth, the vase is harder to keep balanced atop the platter. Once the vase falls, you’re out. As the challenge gets under way, you can see that everyone has their own method of holding the cables. Thankfully, no one is raising their arms…

Jaclyn is out first, and then Baylor, and as a huge gust of wind comes, everyone struggles but is able to keep their vase up. A while later, when another big gust of wind comes, Keith’s vase drops. Jon vs. Natalie, just as we would have hoped… And when a sudden gust of wind comes out of nowhere, it seemingly just flicks Jon’s vase over without any warning. Natalie wins Immunity! And as we go to break, Jon reminds us of what HE’S thinking…

“It’s time to get Keith out.”