The Hand has had enough, and so he takes his hands, and pours out the rice and beans. Pour Erik sh*t himself trying to stop The Hand from doing what he was doing! Erik shouldn’t have been so scared. That’s ALL the food you got, friend. Someone pours out those beans, you throw their dumb @ss in the fire, Mike Skupin, head-first style! I blame the beans on Erik. He had time to get them out of his hands, or at least bearhug The Hand while others could have came over and helped. I mean, in a fight between The Hand and Cochran/Erik, we got the tag team combo of Erik & Cochran all day, every day, don’t we? In all seriousness, though, that team couldn’t have been that hungry, the way they’re fishing out only the rice on top of the other rice. Didn’t they learn anything from the bushman that came to their camp something like 2 days ago? I’m sure he showed them how to filter sand out of their food. Or, at the very least, you just eat some crunchy sand with your rice and beans. If that’s all the food I got, I’m going to be ok eating some sand with my rice. Brush that b*tch off and put it back in the wicker box!
“Now vote me out, b*tch.” Classic.
“I thought you were a secret agent, come get some!” Even MORE classic!
Who would have thought The Hand had it in him? Two classic lines in less than a minute? Love it. That outburst was way too funny. I guarantee my old college roommate, Cochran was behind a tree, cracking up at Brandon and all the funny surrounding his short man tirade. I mean, come on, it’s cute when kids get angry and pout, right? That’s exactly what this was like. Don’t be threatened by the tattoos and posturing, Brandon can’t fight. I’d put my money on F. Pinto before I would The Hand. Any day. Again, I’ll give it up to Phillip for being the bigger man and already being half way down the beach before Brandon even poured out the rice and threw the lawn chair out of the way! Because, you know, that’s what all tough guys do before they want to throw down. They throw wooden lawn chairs out of the way! Still, though, that had to have been one of the most classic moments in Survivor history. And, it only guaranteed that a Hantz family member will be asked onto every single CBS reality show for the rest of time. I can’t imagine Brandon’s kids are any older than 3 years at this point, but they’ll start some sort of kid-friendly competition just to let lil’ Bebo Hantz onto that show. FYI, I have no idea if Bebo is one of his kids names, but with Brandon Hantz, I’m not putting anything past him. He might have been a fan of The Lord of the Rings and heard “Bilbo Baggins'” name and thought that’s how you spelled it. Again, I don’t know these things. I’m just a lowly Harvard-graduate Survivor-blogger.
With only a few minutes left in the show, it’s obvious something is going to go down, but we head on over to the Immunity challenge, where Probst already knows the deal, leading to his allowance of Brandon to speak his mind before the challenge even starts. At first, I was thinking there’s no way he’s going to let him address the other tribe like that, spilling all the information from his tribe before the merge like that, but then I stopped caring because the things coming out of this idiots mouth were TOO PRICELESS!!
“You seem to be a little hostile. I’m a little concerned about that.” As you should be, Probst. As you should be. But, I’m pretty sure there were about fifteen 350 pound ex-NFL players standing within 3 feet of you and the rest of the contestants, so I’m sure that’s the only reason you weren’t removing yourself from the vicinity of The Hand and all its rage!
Let this be a lesson to everyone that when you come across people like Brandon, you have to understand that NOTHING you, or anybody else, ever says to them in life will ever register with them. It’s whatever they want to think, and do, and that’s it. No matter how many people try and tell them that they’re being ridiculous, they’re still proud of their actions, even when their own family is ashamed of them. For all that talk about Brandon having a tough time after his last season on Survivor, does it appear he learned anything about how to act? No. It’s because people don’t change. Even professional help won’t help people like this. So, I’m glad that Phillip, and the rest of them, let him have his say and moved on, voting his sorry excuse for an @sshole out of the game. I get it that he was having a tough time, missing his family and all, but you can’t act that way. And, then to talk about how you’re proud of the way you acted. Please. You weren’t the author of your own destiny (or exit from the game). You were the idiot who doesn’t know how to act well enough to make others feel the slightest form of safe around you, that you had to be escorted out of the game. You were voted out just as much you were voted in. They took that vote just for purposes of the game, and I actually wish Probst and the rest of the crew wouldn’t have given you what you wanted, and would have told you that they’re going to ask you to leave, and that you weren’t the author of your own exit, the show was – see ya! If I were on his tribe, or even the Fans tribe, I would have stepped up and told him enough is enough. You had your say. I would have told him that you may think you “made your point here,” but that there was definitely no point made. The only possible point that could be conceived from your diatribe was that you need help. Which, of course, would have just garnered another “Shut up” from Brandon, or “Go f*ck your mother” or some other crazy-person sentiment.
Eh, whatever. It was funny at first, but after seeing his exit interview, I hated him even more than I did enjoy his outburst. Although, I was a tad jealous of the length he got on that spit. That was quite impressive. Seriously, they have to be super dehydrated at that point, and he goes and musters enough venom in his mouth to create THAT?!? I’d give him the $1 million, because I’m guessing that’s the most impressive performance we’ll see this entire season.
Also, how awkward was that shoulder rubbing by Probst? I get it that you’re trying to calm the man down, but that was a bit much? Nothing undoes my tension like another man rubbing my shoulders! That just added to the awkward hilarity of the moment. It was sad-like funny. One of those moments when you get into your third car crash in three months and all you can do is laugh about it. And then stop driving. Let this be your “car crash moment,” Brandon – don’t go on any television shows from here on out. Go live a quiet life in Louisiana, or wherever you’re living now and leave us out of it.
Another side note – I think I’m rooting for Reynold now. I don’t truly feel there are any likable people on this season. Nobody is standing out. I think I’d prefer to see either Phillip or Reynold win it all.
So, for anyone betting on Survivor – make sure to NOT bet any actual, real-life money on Phillip or Reynold. Just saying.
Until next week,
Written by:
Scott Ottersen
Email: ScottOttersen@yahoo.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/ScottOttersen
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/ChokeOnMyBlog
I also thought it was super awkward how Jeff kept rubbing Brandon’s shoulders! Like he kept rubbing and didn’t seem to want to stop..very weird. But this was a very entertaining episode tonight! Do you think the tirade went on even longer and they had to edit some of it out?
Laura, I’m pretty sure the entire episode could have been filled with his tirade. You know the one at camp lasted a good 6 hours. They have nothing else to do, so you know he kept going on and on. And, Phillip had to return at some point, so of course he started back up again.
Hopefully, we get to see some edited-out scenes at the finale!
Yeah the shoulder rub was weird. Maybe probst was simultaneously trying to calm brandon down while being able to grab his t-shirt and yank him back if he tried to run at Phillip. Not that I believe Brandon would ever win in a fight against secret-agent-man, but Jeff was most likely trying to keep him close. Maybe a little TOO close lol. That was an awesome episode and recap. Gotta love the meltdowns.
Love your column! I read this article yesterday and I thought you might be interested as well. Just goes to show how delusional Brandon really is… 10 months later he still doesn’t get it! The full interview with Xfinity is priceless.
http://www.wetpaint.com/network/articles/survivors-brandon-hantz-im-not-crazy-but-youre-welcome-for-amazing-episode
Just wanted to say that I love your column…I’ve been a fan for while! You’re hilarious and I enjoy reading every week 🙂
The shoulder rubbing was creeping me out! It looked way too much like a guy giving his girlfriend a back rub–there was something kind of affectionate about it. This was the first episode I’ve watched this season because I didn’t care much for the so-called favorites but wanted to see what would happen. My goodness, Brandon is about as close to ‘cray cray’ (I just threw up a little typing it–blech) as one can get. I guess the Survivor folks knew he would add drama and attract viewers, but good grief, the man needs help. I thought the same thing, that his family is probably just fine with him being away. Can the Hantz family quietly fade into oblivion now? Pretty please??
I actually called my mom after the episode to see if she thought the shoulder rubbing was as awkward as I thought it was. I also said that it was probably the only time Jeff Probst will give a man a massage on camera!
I don’t even need to read that article to know what he said. He probably went on and on about how he’s not ashamed of the way he acted, everyone else was to blame, he would do it all over again if he could, possibly even taking it further, blah blah, I’m f*cking crazy, blah.
I’m sure Jeff was just trying to calm crazy boy down, but it was a tad bit creepy. But when he was giving him his directive to leave, he was squeezing his shoulders really hard in like a warning that he better behave! Even for rating I never would of let Brandon carry on like that. Poor Dawn, that woman was tore up over that! I wonder if it was more of fear of Brandon or exhaustion of the whole ordeal? Great recap!
You sorta touched on it but I just wanted to point out the difference in Phillip. Brandon was right, the first time Boston Rob literally dragged him straight into the final tribal council and he’s lucky that he had some weirdo with the bearded dude who made the rooster noise so he finished second.
This time around, he has been so much different. Though he’s still delusional and thinks he is running the game a little too much, I’m actually impressed with the ol secret agent! He was completely calm and just let Brandon do his thing, all his points in his argument were completely legitimate. Brandon was just pissed cause he was at the bottom so he attacked Phillip. And the amazing thing is that Phillip let him! Then Phillip was ballsy enough to call him out for his disrespect to his uncle he showed and just Brandon’s all around attitude of “I’m better than you because I’m a Christian (used lightly) and I have two kids at home and I’m a Hantz and I create my destiny.” Shut up.
This hasn’t even touched on the biggest point, Phillip has been an animal in the challenges. He has had a huge role in almost every single win the Favorites got.
Overall, I’m very impressed with Phillip’s new game he’s playing
Same here jdoro! I think Phillip has deserved a victory, so far. Even with how much his alliance probably makes fun of him and whatnot, he’s still somewhat running the show. Everyone is going to him for answers, and he’s giving them. I’m sure this is just the edit they’re giving us, because I’m sure they all go to each other with the same questions/concerns, but for what we’ve seen, Phillip deserves that $1 million prize. I’ve been very impressed with him. Even if he is still a tad delusional.
About the massage thing… yes, it was awkward to watch. But, it is highly effective in dealing with people who are having emotional breakdowns. Just being touched/massaged releases calming hormones, and that’s what Jeff was trying to do. They do it all the times with kids who are having meltdowns.
I must be alone, but I loved Brandon’s tirade. He’s absolutely right. Philip is a jerk, he’s delusional, and he treats everyone like he’s they’re 5 year old kids with his orders. He consistently takes credit anytime something goes right, and is quick to point the finger if something goes wrong. I probably would have lost my sh*t if I had to live with him too. Probably one of my favorite episodes of Survivor. Ever.