SURVIVOR: FANS VS FAVORITES – 3/13/13

“Sherri is worthless in this challenge.” I know that you’re all probably tired of hearing me say it, but Jeff Probst is the best reality television show host around! No other host rips on the contestants quite like Probst does. And, he does it with such relaxed sentiment, that it almost feels like he’s saying it in a loving fatherly way. I made that last part up – he’s totally cracking on these idiots like we all want the host of the show to do! I’m 100% convinced that Survivor, the show, would have died 20 seasons ago with any other host than Jeff Probst. You can’t prove that statement wrong.

And, how about Phillip this season, in the challenges? The man has been on a damn mission to prove his worth, hasn’t he? He’s pulled his team from the brinks more often than once this season, which is more than we can say about him the last time out. I don’t remember his season off the top of my head, but I’m pretty sure we never saw him win any challenges or be overly impressive in group challenges. But, that entire season was about Boston Rob winning, so that’s why he never mattered, and we never noticed.

And how about that plan for Gota? Voting out the weakest player, keeping “the muscle” to help win, and yet you STILL lose? And, why would you have the old man and the biker dude holding up the baskets and NOT one of your actual “strong” guys? Even if Michael and The Beard said they sucked at throwing coconuts into HUGE baskets, I’d still tell one of them that they’re just going to need to do their best, because we need one of our stronger guys to hold up the baskets as long as he can. Seriously, did anyone on their team graduate high school? Even junior high kids would know to put one of Reynold or Eddie, possibly both, on the baskets. If ALL the girls were throwing coconuts, it’s pretty obvious that The Beard could handle tossing a coconut or two into the HUGEST hoop you’ve ever seen in your life. Great strategy there. And, you wonder why you’re losing every competition.

What do you know? Sherri agrees with me about how their plan was stupid to vote out a member of their alliance to keep Reynold/Eddie. Also, in the comments of my last blog, a couple people brought up her resemblance to Sandra Bullock. After tonight, I will say that I can see it. I agree with you. Although, I’m not sure what that means. I’ve never really found Sandra Bullock attractive, and Sherri definitely isn’t either (not that that is the reason they resemble each other), but for the sake of your argument, I do agree with you now. I can see it. If she grew her hair out, it might be more so.

With the Gota tribe seemingly at a crossroads on where they’re heading, everyone is on the hunt for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Nobody is safe, so everyone feels they need it. Except Eddie, of course, because while everyone is out looking, he’s lying on the bamboo sticks, catching some Z’s. I wonder what Eddie’s stopwatch would think about Eddie lazying it up in the castle.

And, what is up with their being no clues for the Idol this season? Did the producers really just give up on giving out clues, knowing that everyone was just going to start looking for it, anyway? Geez…could there be LESS of a reason to have a hidden immunity idol next season? The idea is just played out. I think it may just be best to scrap it and come up with something new. Make it even more about strategy before, and after, each immunity challenge. Make it so that each tribe needs to sit out a player or two (two, for when the tribes are bigger), but whoever sits out on the losing team has immunity at Tribal. Could you imagine the thought process, and strategy talk that would go on each week, leading up to each challenge, on who would sit out? How many people would volunteer? How many fights there would be between tribes about who was going to get it? Would teams plan more for the win or more to be on the safe side? Eh – not the greatest idea, but still better than half-@ssing hiding a necklace with a wooden turtle pendant on the end in a tree branch, with a few leaves on top of it.

Anyway, Reynold finds the Idol…again! Didn’t take long, either. Eddie said it took something like 6 hours, but his math must be WAY off, because they want to Tribal the night before, slept, did a Reward challenge, then went looking for the Idol and he found it – and all that was in 6 hours? Was Tribal council at 4 in the morning or something? He needs to take his stopwatch in for a tuning! I’m not sure if I was being rushed to the hospital, I’d want him reading off my vitals to the doctor. “Uh, yeah Doc, he was 167 over 145, with pulse of 42.” For all those lost right now, he’s a Fireman/EMT – which I didn’t know you could be both, but I guess I have a lot to learn, just like how Reynold can be in Real Estate Sales, but not be a Realtor. If ever you wanted to think these people were just actors and they made up professions for them, I’m really not going to fight you on that thought process.

Let’s head on back to Bikal, where someone needs to hold Andrea’s boobs close and tell them that “No, Andrea’s boobs, Brandon is NEVER going to be straight in the head.” That man is, as the kids say these day, CRAY. Little side note here, can the word “Cray” go away? Please. You sound ridiculously stupid saying it. I’m talking to EVERYONE that says it. Yes, you. You sound stupid.

Brandon gets pissed off at Phillip for taking credit for the teams victory at the Reward challenge. I heard nothing in what Phillip said that made it seem like he was taking FULL credit for the victory, but when you’re crazy, you tend to hear things a little differently. He calls Phillip out for never shutting up, and never letting anyone get a word in without him giving his opinion. Phillip doesn’t take lightly to it, but wants to be the bigger man and just walk away before more of an argument ensues. He fought with him for a little minute, but I’ll give it up to Phillip for telling Brandon, straight up, he’s not going to argue with him, and then walking away. You’re a bigger man than most, Phillip, because everyone that’s ever played the game of Survivor would’ve loved to have been in your shoes and talk some sense into that idiot. Even though sense dies right before it enters his ears, we’d still like to give it to him. Where’s Coach when you need him, right? He was like the Brandon-whisperer.

Brandon ends up apologizing to Phillip, but Phillip’s over it and wants him gone. He wants to go all Ryu on Brandon’s @ss – or my all-time favorite – E. Honda. For all those that can’t make the connection, those are characters from Street Fighter. Which Phillip is now claiming affiliation with. He’s a Street Fighter. Phillip is the F. Pinto of Street Fighter.

“We’re failing on all levels of Survivor.” Yes, you are, Michael. Nice try.

Back at the Bikal beach, Phillip is now considering throwing the Immunity Challenge, just to get rid of “The Hand.” Typical F. Pinto move. All The Hand wants to do is feed himself, Phillip. Let him eat. It’s not like you can’t still vote out an idiot who thinks he’s feeding himself when, in actuality, someone’s been just allowing him to eat because they wanted to keep the crazy man calm before they eventually sharted all over his face at Tribal by blindsiding him. It’s late, I have no idea what I’m even saying at this point, ok? I apologize.

The Hand (now his new StealthRUs name) calls out Phillip for his stupid name creations. I agree, Hand, the names Phillip came up with are kind of lame, but you have to understand that you guys don’t have any TV to watch, no radio to listen to, you see the same ugly faces every single day, everyone is ok with having a lame nickname given to them by some old fart, who’s just trying to live out a dream on national television. Can’t you just play along, Hand?

Hell no, he can’t.