SURVIVOR: PHILIPPINES – 9/20/12

Eh, nobody cares about The Facts of Life. Or Blair Warner. I was born in 1981, the show went off the air in 1988, I know they show reruns of it but, still, nobody cares. Save your hate mail, I know SOME people cared. I’m sure it was a great show.

I do have to say that I’m on the fence about the 3 tribes idea. I already don’t like the returning contestants, so I’m not so sure this was the season to try out another twist/change to the format of the show. They tried the one island thing last season (or was that two seasons ago, too) and realized that was a dumb idea the first day, so why not just go back to what worked, and why even after 25 seasons, people are still going to watch this show. Stop thinking you need to tweak things when every tweak you’ve made has failed. I like the head-to-head aspect of Survivor, adding a third party to each competition just makes things weird. Why not just start the season off with every player for themselves then. Get rid of the merge concept. I guess that’s next season. I will say, though, that Michael’s story was HILARIOUS!! He fainted near the fire and ended up burning the skin off of his hands!! Too funny. I’m sure it was scary to see, but funny now. Keep that man away from the flames this season, ok? We don’t need him dying in the Philippines.

And, wouldn’t you know it, in a season where they are bringing back past injured contestants, someone gets injured before the season even begins. Jeff Kent hurts his knee while trying to release his tribes raft into the water, while also trying to keep hold of all of the supplies they gathered. Neither idea worked. He got his knee caught in the bamboo as he let go of the raft and lost all of the supplies into the water, nearly killing their chicken the way Frankenstein killed that poor little girl.

We head over to the Matsing tribe’s island first, where we hear that Russell doesn’t want to be a leader this time around. And, what’s the best way to introduce yourself to your tribe, I’d imagine it’s by doing exactly what Russell did. Tell everyone you don’t want to be the leader, but then go about your day bossing around everyone and telling them what to do. Dummy!

Oh, Angie! Yes ma’am. If I had to guess right now, I’d say she is going home first or second. The pretty ones always go home early on CBS reality shows, so it’s gotta be her time soon. Let’s just hope our time together is as fulfilling for you as it is for us, Angie! By “us,” I mean us men viewers!

We meet Malcolm, who lived in Micronesia for a year, teaching ESL, so therefore he must know how to get a fire going. Russell helps him, gets the fire going, and Malcolm couldn’t be more happy that it was Russell that got the fire going, and not him, taking the target off of his back. It’s five minutes into your stay, Malcolm, I don’t think you’d be putting a target on your back by building a fire. I’m thinking people may actually like you. And, what does Malcolm do, he goes and tells people that he let Russell build the fire so that he could deflect the target off of him and put it on Russell. Someone should explain to Malcolm that Russell already has a target on his back. And, also, if you want to keep a target off of yours by not letting people know you did something, don’t go and tell anyone that you went and did that something! Yes, I know Angie is QUITE attractive, so that always makes us men want to impress, but keep it soft and in your pants and you’ll go further in this game. But, as of now, Malcolm wants Russell out of the game. Let target practice begin.

Over at Kalabaw, Jonathan Penner helps his tribe get camp set up while Jeff Kent and his one knee try to rally the tribe against Penner. It’s going to be a rough season for these returning players. They’re already facing an uphill battle, so they need to tread lightly and choose the right people to align with, otherwise they’ll be shown the door rather quickly. My guess is that they will all last through the first tribal councils with their respective tribes, but after that, it’s open season.

We then take a trip further down the beach to the Tandang (Tan Dong anyone??) where RC is already in her bra and panties! If Vegas had odds on which girl got naked in front of her tribe first, I’m putting my money on RC. Also, I hear “Investment Banker” and I don’t know about you, but I piss all over myself out of intimidation. Good God, she’s an investment banker, run for the hills, we need to get rid of her fast! Sh*t, please, I guarantee she tells half her team she’s an Investment Banker and they say things like, “Oh, that’s nice, so do you’re a teller at a Chase?” Get over yourself, sweet t*ts.

Well, if she’s sweet t*ts, I guess she needs a sweet @ss ally in this game, so why not team up with the Brazilian girl?!? Day one alliance anyone? RC and Abi-Maria decide it’s not too early to make an alliance, and then branch out and grow that alliance even more by adding Pete (who thinks Abi has a nice rack and @ss and thinks she’s staring at him a lot), and then topping the alliance off with a Skupin (Senor Burnt Hands). That actually is a dangerous alliance with two pretty girls (that’s how Boston Rob won his season – getting the pretty girls on his side) and two physical threats, even if one of those physical threats faints at the hint of smoke and lands in fires.