Howdy, folks, your friendly neighborhood Fish here to offer up more sordid tales of dirty Americans in their underwear. Sounds like the makings of an adult film shot in my hometown (the “Valley”) where porn is king…queen…and two circle jerking jacks…
Sometimes I wish Survivor was as naughty as I am, but with all the top heavy religion on this show, you know that’ll never happen. Hell, this show hardly broaches the subject of sex (or being naughty) anymore, the closest thing being Heidi Strobel and Jenna flashing their titties 13 years ago. It’s been a long time since those days, and methinks that 8:00pm time slot – and CBS Standards & Practices – dictates the nature of the content, and Survivor is not one to play with fire. With 32 seasons “in the can,” they must be doing something right. Thank god. Or thank Jeff (he’s actually more important to me) they’re still re-inventing the wheel, as Second Chance has been a great season so far.
However, as you know, I will always be looking for the snark, the dirt, the naughty and sordid little tidbits – be they true or not – that even SUGGESTS something is crossing the line into the R-rated world. Because that’s the way my mind works, and my desire is only to amuse you, my readers, and make you chuckle. But hell, put some sluts on the show and I’ll be on them like white on rice. Or like porn actresses on coke.
BTW, did you hear about Charlie Sheen? “Winning” must have a different meaning to him…
Never mind that. You’re not here for that and you probably wouldn’t like what I have to say. If you are, email me… You’re here for another reason, I know. You’re expecting another episode of Mr. Probst’s Neighborhood, and he’s about ready to take off his coat and dress shoes. Let’s all gather ‘round the television and see what fun he has in store for us tonight…
On the heels of last week’s epic Tribal and “gotcha” move by Wentworth, the stakes should be very high this week. Will everyone simply brush her Hidden Idol play aside and vote out the girls one-by-one, or will Kelley’s Magic Butt finally inspire someone – Spencer? Joe? Kimmi? Keith? (No, wait, scratch Keith. Nothing can inspire Keith to do anything other than a cold bottle of beer and a possible misdemeanor) – to do something truly remarkable in this game? Yes, we’ve have alliances, blindsides, bitchiness, backstabbing, a “magical” Hidden Idol play, and under-the-radar players, but has there been any “big, bold moves?” I think not.
Perhaps we’re in store for one tonight as the players scramble to find a new Hidden Idol (teased last week), or will someone jump off their perch in the challenge and swim to get an advantage in the next immunity challenge (seen in a promo this week), or…what is the secret that Savage referred to when he said “something happens this season that’s NEVER happened on Survivor before?!” What could that be?
A reader mentioned that maybe Joe wins EVERY SINGLE IMMUNITY CHALLENGE and guarantees himself a spot in the final (and probable win, if that happened) or could it be a 4 person Final Tribal that I mentioned a couple weeks ago? What could it be? I need to hear what you guys have to say, so hit me up and let’s start bouncing some ideas off the wall.
But, let’s do tonight’s episode first, shall we? We had a good week preparing for tonight, right? You got to read my list of Sh**tiest Survivors of All-Time (agree, disagree?) and yes, I realize I could have tweeted to all the people on the list and said, “Hey, guess what, you’re on my list.” and increase my Twitter activity, but that seems a little effed up on my part, yeah? Particularly because I ripped some of those jerks and don’t really need them blowing up my Twitter ass. Call it my subtle way of saying “f**k you” to someone without saying “f**k you” to their face (Now which Fish is the p**sy…?)
I digress. And I see the trolley is approaching the “Tribe of Make-Believe” where everyone thinks they have a chance of winning Survivor. They don’t, and atop that list is Mr. McCrybaby (Fishbach), who’s always on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
However, the clear bookends on the show are Joe (or Adonis, as I was reminded this week) on the high side, and the Bottom Feeders (Wentworth, Ciera, Abi) on the low side. But with the “hierarchical structure” of Season 31’s voting blocs, no one is really on the low side. Align with the right bloc, and someone can turn this game on its head. I only wonder if this constant ping-ponging will eventually come back to burn someone later, but no one seems to care, or discuss that fact.
And with one of the greatest burns in Survivor history, Kelley turned Savage’s Second Chance into his Second Horror. And from what I’ve been reading online lately, there’s not a lot of love lost between Savage and a few other players, but I’ll let you guys research that if you want. Personally, I’m waiting for the tell-all book where someone reveals that Ponderosa is really one big sex party, but we’ll never see that footage unless we enlist Anonymous to hack the CBS cloud…
Good afternoon fellow Fish fans ( the good fish not the Fish that sheds tears every week ) ! A few things popped into my head replacing the images of those lovely “smiles” of my favorites RC and Morgan ! One is for all his physical prowess ,Joe is a terrible player ! Of course the show is edited so we only see pieces but no attempt to get out Fishbach ? Lets see he has Wiggles vote and can easily get the bottom three to vote with him ! Plus Fishbach just got an advantage . Seems pretty easy . Joe seems to quit playing after winning a challenge . Disappointed that he didn’t get SF out ! My reasoning for the immunity challenge starting the way it did was they wanted everyone in it when the buoys popped up . God knows a certain nerdy uncoordinated player was going swimming pretty quickly ! Wiggles may have been nice to people around camp but I don’t think there was any gameplay by her . I get more upset when a dancer tells me my three songs over than she did losing a chance at a million dollars
My guess is a 4 person finals . Makes sense that with extra jurors comes an extra finalist . I know there have been some twists and turns this season . I just am struggling finding anyone but Jeremy to root for !
Seeing Kass come out with her finger up again… Lovely. I’m incredibly sorry I voted for her. Hopefully she’ll lose her fingers to some horrible virus or something. If I can get two negative wishes against her, hopefully her ability to speak goes with her fingers. It’s just not the survivor I want to watch. I voted her in for drama, not to watch Big Brother. I think I’m going to have to fast forward until they’re all sitting at tribal from now on.
I’m a little surprised that there wasn’t any talk about voting out Fishbach and getting rid of the secret advantage before it bit someone in the butt. Maybe there was and it was cut.
Just so we’re clear, with the switchup last night, chances of Abi getting all the way to the end as a sacrificial lamb and further increasing ALL of our suffering has gone up dramatically. Still hoping to see Kimmi, Cierra and Abi all get voted out sooner rather than later.
Definitely exciting that Jeremy has two idols. Course he still has to use them correctly, (perhaps attend Wentworth’s next seminar on “Immunity Idols and how to use Them”.
TWD – Voice was totally Glenn. Yes, yes, but Norman Reedus said… Don’t make me go point out all the times that actors/writers/producers of TWD have blatantly lied to us in interviews and on Talking Dead. That voice was Glenn and if I were a betting man, I’d bet heavily that we won’t see Glenn, Daryl, Abraham or Sasha next week. Next week will be all about Alexandria again and the rescue of Glenn by Darly, Abraham and Sasha will be a large part of our mid season finale after that.
After Fishbach’s MacBeth analogy a certain kid in my house said – I never ever want to read MacBeth.
Here’s to hoping Joe wins every immunity – just saying.
If this week’s TWD is an episode like the last couple, it’s a sure bet it’s all about Carl. Maybe a black and white flashback of when he was in preschool or being potty trained?
I totally agree with ericah – Hope Joe wins everything. He is amazing in the competitions! But I do also agree with rickhtzbq that Joe is laying really low and not doing much after winning the idol. I’m not sure how well that will work for him when/if he doesn’t win immunity.
Fish – curious as to your thoughts on this article I found rating the top 15 hottest survivor contestants since this is right up your alley. 🙂 Did they miss anybody? Agree with most? http://www.tvguide.com/galleries/the-15-hottest-female-survivor-contestants/?ftag=ACQc6d1ada
I am not feely this Survivor. Perhaps it is due to getting put on blood pressure meds and stopping drinking. What the heck the only thing I had to look forward to every night was drinking and I can’t do that!
Well looks like to old zigged when should have zagged. Last week get burned by not splitting votes, this week split and get burned. I am very tired of the immunity challenges just involving not moving. Is that three weeks in a row? Plus, why does every reward challenge now involve a puzzle, god I am bitter, get me a drink!
Watched Amazing Race last night, Phil looked terrible, looked like he was going through a sex change, someone get him a mansier!
Hi, everybody. Thanks for the love and kind words. You’re the reason I keep writing…
rick – Know what you’re saying. Wondering how strong his game is makes it tough to pick him to win. He does coast a lot… Just makes you wonder how difficult it is to pull off a blindside. If you have a “secret” conversation, how soon is it spoiled to someone else in the tribe? I just wish Fishbach was in the discussion to leave each week. Make him and Abi scramble for survival, there would be some backstabbing then. I finally figured out what I don’t like about Wigles. She’s a man, baby! I’m gonna start calling her Caitlyn because she’s looking VERY transgen lately… Jeremy’s a good pick. I still like Wentworth, Joe, and maybe a couple others. It’s just so hard to predict based on these shifting voting blocs.
thatguy – Know what you mean. As smart as she probably is, she’s just giving in to sensationalism and “gotcha” moments. Show some class… I’ll celebrate when Fishbach and Abi are gone. Wondering when that’ll be… And you’re right, the longer she stays around, the better her chances are of being dragged to the final. So unfair. The show should address that somehow. Make certain “stages” of the game a little more objective (challenges participated in, challenges won, etc.). I hope Jeremy sticks around and is smart too. He seems to play the game right. Can’t even think about TWD. I just let it “evolve” in front of me…
erica – Ha! Your kids must be products of the California education system (aren’t we all?). “Don’t bother us with that fancy-schmancy literature bullshit, I wanna watch more YouTube!”
bonnie – Joe better win everything or he’s gonna fry! Coinicidentally, I saw that article too. Some don’t work for me, but many do. Here’s my comments, and a list of others who should be on that list…
Amanda – will always be one of my faves. need some nudes to be sure…
Amber – granny panties
Andrea – she always reminds me of nude models from WW2 Germany. I’d shave her armpits and do her…
Angie – Yes, please! Probably the hottest woman ever on Survivor.
Brenda – horrible picture, but she’s way high on my list. Love the Asian girls…
Darrah – whatev
Elizabeth – her terrible interviewing skills, Republican spin on EVERYTHING and marketable stupidity are turn-offs for me
Jaclyn – I’m a fan
Julie – Probst’s ex? No, thank you. Her vag is probably a wind tunnel by now…
Monica – Eye candy. Me likey…
Morgan – My kryptonite. Her face, attire, thighs, and tummy are all “meh”, but those tittties are like a hypnotist’s watch…
Natalie – cutie
Parvati – something about her never worked for me. I think it’s because she was sold to us as a “vixen” but even I wouldn’t do her. A girl you end up with at 1am rather than take out on a date…
Stephanie – no thanks
Sydney – really attractive. I hardly remember her. Wonder why?
“Dis”honorable Mention:
Sarah Jones – nice boobs. someone should tell her it’s okay to smile when shooting nudes.
Erin Collins – nice boobs. perfect wife if you lived in Florida
Heidi Strobel – nice boobs. as much as I like nice boobs, she never produced wood
Kim Mullen – you don’t hear much about her. Very attractive, similar to Wentworth
Cristina Coria – one tough lady. I wouldn’t mind shooting something at her…
Candice Woodcock – the name says it all…
Jessica DeBen – another one who no one really remembers. Why would she go first? Probst should’ve stepped in.
Michelle Yi – I’ve always liked the Asian girls. She was the first cute Asian player.
Stacy Kimball – another one who was forgotten. She had something special.
Ashley Massaro – really nice boobs. Why couldn’t she stick around for a while longer?
Jaime Dugan – one of the cutest girls ever. That V-card was a turn-off though…
Natalie Jones – loved that she came across as a filthy whore. The truth? Who cares…
Jacquie Berg – another Candice/Kim Mullen/Jaclyn/Kelley type…
Kelly Czarnecki – another hottie we didn’t see enough of
Candace Smith – nice porn. I knew she had it “in her”
Ashley Trainer – cute
Natalie White – the hottest winner to date
Ashley Underwood – under-rated then and getting hotter still…
Elyse Umemoto – She’s never in the discussion but she was so hot
Mikayla Wingle – I don’t blame Brandon for being tempted… Smoking!
Whitney Duncan – another hottie who launched a career from Survivor. And didn’t have to pose nude.
Kat Edorsson – wanna tell us about your new boobs some more?
Christina Cha – still one of my all-time faves
Chelsea Meissner – her oiled up body is still one the best photos ever taken
“RC” Saint-Amour – have to include her for 2 reasons…
Hope Driskill – too bad we didn’t see more of her
Alexis Maxwell – almost can’t picture her being dirty. Oh wait, I just did…
Jefra Bland – Really cute. Those southern accents don’t work for me though…
Kelley Wentworth – of course her Magic Butt is on this list, but it’s her face that I love.
Julie McGee – quitter or not, this girl is one of the hottest ever
So Kim – I’ll say it again, she was edible…
doc – take it easy! all that “don’t drink” advice is overrated. I’m not saying you should, but I think the more you drink the more your organs are pickled and preserved for later. At least…that’s the way I understand it works.
And maybe, just maybe, the show wants Joeo to win. Who knows? Haven’t seen TAR yet. Don’t spoil anything…
Have a great week!
Fish