However, I do have one bit of clarification. These are not being presented to you in any order; there are no rankings. No one player is “sh**tier” than another. Just being on this list is an indictment. And I’m not saying that outside of the game, many of these are not real good folk, but in the game of Survivor, you people suck…
Without further ado, I give you…
The Sh**tiest Survivor Players of All-Time
Osten Taylor (Pearl Islands) – must be included here for one simple reason: he was the original quitter. Someone had to set the bar low, and that’s on him. Plus, I’ll add that he almost drowned in 8 feet of water, freaked out when a pelican showed up in camp, and despite being incredibly fit, never seemed to grasp the show is called “Survivor” for a reason. It’s hard! He even pissed off Probst to where he didn’t get to utter, “The tribe has spoken.” He simply said “Go home” and sent Osten away…
(tie) Becky Lee/Sundra Oakley (Cook Islands) – Not on the list for being sh**ty people, or even such bad players, but that fire-making challenge will go down in Survivor history as one of the worst all-time fails. How can you not make fire on Survivor for 90 minutes and then run out of matches?! A crime both didn’t go home…
Randy Bailey (Gabon, Heroes vs. Villains) – while others may be sh**tier, Randy earns a spot on this list by simply being…Randy. Not caring about others, not caring about the game, he seemed to love being a prick more than anything. Evidently he only cares about his dog, which ain’t all that bad, but Randy is just a sh**ty Survivor player. It was depressing to find out that no one would have come if he made the Loved Ones Challenge, which is just a little bit funny too. Conversely, he achieved success on the show (winning 10 Tribal Challenges in a row), but his love of being a jerk validates his inclusion on this list.
Billy Garcia (Cook Islands) – to be the sole reason your tribe wants to throw a challenge is bad enough. Factor in the snoring, the bumbling around camp, the need to “conserve energy” while his tribe feeds him, and you have a sh**ty Survivor. And, oh yeah, this jackass thought Candice said she loved him, so his revelation that he found “true love” just embarrasses himself even more. Dude, there’s a reason why metal-heads are poked fun of, and you’re the epitome of that…
Kourtney Moon (One World) – Not really a sh**ty person but I had to put “the worst player ever” on this list. Getting Medical Evac’ed on Day 3 earned her the lowest spot on my Rankings of Every Survivor Player (lower than both Jonathan and Wanda in Palau, and they didn’t even get on a tribe!) Fortunately for Kourtney, her Evac allowed doctors to find (and successfully remove) a grapefruit-sized tumor in her abdomen, so being the Worst Player Ever has its benefits…
Russell Hantz (Samoa, Heroes vs. Villains, Redemption Island) – this list would be incomplete without good ol’ Russell. Frankly, he’d make many Top Ten lists of the “Best Player Ever” because of his success and HOW he succeeded: forming alliances, blindsiding, finding idols, creating havoc. But, he’s still searching for the top prize, which he’ll never achieve based on how sh**ty he plays some parts of the game. A braggart, chauvinist, arrogant bully, they’re all a propos for Russell. And there’s that whole, “Did he leak info before the show aired?” controversy…
J’Tia Taylor (Cagayan) – with the prestige of being a nuclear engineer, you’d think this woman would know how to handle difficult situations. But no. X’XXX (as I call her) failed on so many levels, culminating in her single identifying act of dumping the Luzon rice in the fire. A failure at leading, challenges, decision-making, and dealing with others when things looked bleak, she completely shut down; almost to the point where I thought she had borderline schizophrenic tendencies. How in the hell did she get on this show is what I’m asking? Somebody should have lost their job for allowing her to take the spot of a more deserving contestant.
Brandon Hantz (South Pacific, Caramoan) – Oh. My. Frickin. God. How the f**k did two Hantzes make this list?! I’ll tell you how, by being as**oles who have no concept just how crazy they are. Brandon’s problems started when he couldn’t hide the boner he had for Mikayla so he conspired to vote her out. That’s some puritanical s**t right there! His pièce de ré·sis·tance is his infamous mental breakdown against Phillip and subsequent dumping of the rice and food, but what else would you expect from a psychopath? As pathetic as his time was on Survivor, I can only wonder how pathetic his real life must be…
NaOnka Mixon (Nicaragua) – Even though she found a hidden immunity idol, her loud-mouthed, brash, and ghetto attitude places her firmly on this list. She did everything wrong in the process: hid supplies from her tribe when she felt slighted, stole food, went on a reward even when she knew she was quitting, and the incredible faux pas of wrestling with one-legged woman for a clue hidden in a basket of food, resulting in destroying some of the food in the process. Just no awareness of how uncivilized she was/is/will always be…
Jonny Fairplay (Pearl Islands, Micronesia) – Where do I start? It’s not just that he lied about his grandmother dying. Which is pretty sh**ty, if you ask me. But his faults run far deeper than that. It’s how smug he was, it’s how he was proudly drunk at Tribal, and it’s how the hell do you think you’re so f**king cool when you’re really just a douchebag?! And how in the world did you get an America’s Top Model pregnant? Did you lie and say you were wearing a condom? Did you get her drunk? Heck, even Danny Bonaduce wants to f**k up your s**t! Fairplay is the epitome of everything wrong with reality TV and I hope his 15 minutes are long gone. Let’s hope his grandmother outlives him…
Abi-Maria Gomes – We’ve yet to see what she’s truly capable of considering how the current season is going, but she’s done enough in her one-and-a-half seasons to earn a spot on this list. The bitchiness, the “it’s all about me” mentality, the rude comments to others, the mistrust – that friggin’ grammar – it all pisses me off. And how many of you are still upset that she got rid of RC? Those were some prime boobies you just voted off the island and many of us were not “done” with them. Abi’s just a horrible person, and so unaware of how she comes across on television. I pray she doesn’t make Final Tribal and I hope she never comes back.
Zane Knight (Philippines) – gosh, boys from Danville, Virginia are shore crappy, I mean, sh**ty! Having the distinction of being from the same hometown as Jonny Fairplay has to mean something’s in the water as Zane proved how incompetent he was in his 3 days on the show. Employing the bone-headed strategy of making an alliance with EVERYONE in his tribe was bad. Asking EVERYONE to vote him out to see who was loyal was worse. What an idiot. How’d that work out for ya, buddy? His trifecta of stupidity was quitting smoking the day before he came on the show, which seriously affected his physical abilities (to breathe), so yeah, he’s on the list…
Shirin Oskooi (World’s Apart, Second Chance) – oooohhh, am I not allowed to say she was sh**ty? Is she “off-limits” because of what Will did to her? And golly, she was so popular she was voted back for another chance… No, sorry, she’s a sh**ty Survivor. First, she was annoying as f**k to the rest of her tribe with her incessant talking around camp. Second, she wasn’t able to accept Will’s apology (even fake it for television?) on the Reunion show. Third, made her “story” a convenient cause to rally behind in social media. And lastly, she had to expose her cooch for God Knows What Reason… Ok, she deserves a boatload of sympathy for what she endured, but it’s not like she was very good at playing the game. I’m just calling a spade a spade…
Dan Foley (World’s Apart) – Famous for his marblebag mankini, for saying a lot of stupid s**t, and for being completely oblivious to how big of a douche he is. Uttered some incredibly moronic things trying to sound deep/thoughtful/clever/compassionate. Just makes you wonder how a guy like that got onto the show. Once again, Casting, you’re letting us down! Saying you wanna slap Shirin?! Calling Rodney’s momma a “ho”?! Seriously, dude? Stop trying to “make good TV” and just be a normal person. Go away…
Rodney Lavoie Jr. (World’s Apart) – While we’re at it, here’s another shoo-in for one of the most annoying players in Survivor history. Couple that with his whiny attitude on his birthday, stupid mistakes during challenges, and his record setting 24-day streak of not winning a challenge, and you have a sh**ty player. But wait, there’s more! He took over an hour to make fire during the fire-making challenge with Carolyn – which he lost! – but his crowning achievement is voting for Will at Final Tribal. ARFKM? Sayonara, Goomba-ya…
Yasmin Giles (Samoa) – another feisty woman who never seemed to understand how the game is played. You think coming in with a “big attitude” and “make-no-friends” approach will work? Come on…you just come across as a bi*ch. Hmm…makes me think the Survivor Casting department looks for similar “characters” (and still do perhaps?). I wonder… Regardless, her crappy attitude did not play well on TV or with her tribe, and her inability to understand the social aspect of the game warrants being on this list…
Colton Cumbie – what can I say about good ‘ole Colton without seeming like an ass? Not much. His entitled, condescending attitude towards others (Bill and Christina, specifically), his annoying confessionals, and his total lack of self-awareness. But his magnum opusis when he instigated one of the dumbest moves in Survivor history, “Hey, let’s give up immunity and go to Tribal!” (perhaps the whole Manono tribe should be on this list for that move?). He’s just a total waste of space. Notorious for quitting TWICE, (yeah, we don’t buy that appendicitis bulls**t…), for not giving his immunity idol to Alicia when he left, and for just being an obnoxious piece of s**t. The show took a step back when they cast him…
Alicia Rosa (One World) – another in the long list of “I’m a bitch, hear me roar” ghetto girls that somehow find their way through Casting. She validates inclusion here for a number of reasons: One, that she compared Christina Cha to one her “special needs students,” which is just kinda f**ked up (and I’m sure pissed off her administrators). Two, she found it so easy to cozy up to Colton, and three, because she thought acting like a bully could win the game. Perhaps she isn’t aware of how brusque she comes off, or maybe she thinks acting like a ghetto bitch is sexy. It’s not. And you’re sh**ty. And a b**ch. And her naughty text messages broke up an engagement in the “Survivor family,” and that’s just not cool.
Andria “Dreamz” Herd (Fiji) – Just a homeless street kid who ended up on a reality TV show. Maybe he should have stayed on the streets… His lack of morals provided one of the greatest “gotcha” moments in Survivor history when he didn’t make good on the deal with Yau Man. Let’s put that in perspective: He didn’t back out of a deal with a player like Rocky, or Lisi, or Mookie. He made a deal with one of the most honorable guys on the season. What a piece of s**t! I hope your kids are proud of you, and I hope the truck was repossessed, you prick…
Corinne Kaplan – Here’s a girl who, on the surface, has everything I like: a drinker, seems kinda slutty, speaks her mind, likes tall guys (I’m 6’-4”), but still there’s something about her I don’t like. Her physical skills were adequate, however her social game seemed to consist of being bitchy and embracing the role of “fag hag.” TBH, she was obviously cast as the reincarnation of Jerri, but while she succeeded in carving her own path (through other people’s hearts) the main reason she made this list is for the downright inappropriate and effed up comment about Sugar’s dead father that smacks of “trying to get airtime no matter the cost.” It’s people like her that make reality TV unbearable (at least the Survivor type of reality TV) and the fact she didn’t get more backlash (other than boos at the Reunion Show) is the main reason reality TV is a joke sometimes. However, the fact she’s a proud alcoholic is something near and dear to my heart, so I’ll cut her the tiniest amount of slack. Perhaps I’ll bump into her at a bar in LA someday and she’ll flash her tits at the bartender…
Will Simms (World’s Apart) – The man whose name I vowed I would never type again returns to this column. And that’s only because he’s on this list. A piece of s**t who annoys me for so many reasons: labeling himself a “YouTube sensation,” his claim of being a “man of God,” his Fred Flintstone feet, and mostly…his attack on Shirin which crossed the line from reality TV to reality. Despite not seeing exactly what preceded his outburst, the fact he hammered her the way he did puts him somewhere near the top of this list. Offering an apology at the Reunion show helped his cause a little, but his utter failure within the game (both socially and physically) warrants a spot here. I don’t believe everything said on Survivor can be written off as “in the context of the game” when you know they’re going to edit the s**t out of the footage, but with all the fatigue, sleep deprivation, strategizing and starvation, some would disagree with that. I guess I just don’t like The Flintstones…
Richard Hatch (Borneo, All-Stars) – And finally, the originator of everything. The man who started it all. While he’s far from the sh**tiest, he earns his place on this list for being the genesis of so many negative characteristics on Survivor. He should be getting residuals for every episode that airs for how he created the mold. Every contestant (except Season 2) owes something to Richard for the trail he blazed and I’m sure everyone who’s played the game knows his name. His braggadocio was both commendable and despicable. His leadership and gamesmanship were cutting edge. Funny how the single biggest “gotcha” moment that season (Sue Hawk’s “snakes and rats” speech) BENEFITTED him even though it lambasted him. A true leader on a show that needs leaders, and he didn’t have anyone to learn from. Richard can be labeled so many things: Icon. Braggart. Nudist. Convict. Polemic. Asshole. Winner…
Honorable Mention:
Sue Hawk, David Murphy, J.P. Calderon, Sekou Bunch, Peter Harkey, Vince Sly
Alrighty then, there you go! Agree? Disagree? Hate me? Wanna come over here and punch me in the mouth? Buy me a drink? Toss my laptop out the window? Relax, I’m just giving you my opinion and I hope many of you agree… As you know, I love to hear your thoughts, and thank you to those of you who sent in your suggestions. Your comments, tweets, emails and follows are always appreciated.
So let’s get to tonight’s episode, because Jeff tweeted that it’s another goodun…
He reminds us…
Everyone is giving their second chance a good run…
Spencer
Wentworth
Sinister Pussy
But at the merge, with everyone scrambling for the numbers, one thing was assured…
Joe is better than all of you.
And with many players unwilling to take a chance so early, Kass went home, leaving Ciera, Wentworth, and Abi on the outside looking in (the Bottom Feeders).
Good recap! I’m excited I get to be first in posting a comment. 🙂 The hidden immunity idol being played was epic! One of the best moves I’ve seen on Survivor (I haven’t seen all of the seasons but still….it was damn good!) I wasn’t a Kelley fan before that but I am now! I’m curious to know what happened, that we didn’t see, that led her to believe she was the one everyone would vote for, thus causing her to play the idol? I was kind of thinking Cierra.
The scene with Keith driving that bike thing around was so funny! I was so waiting for someone to fall off or out.
Joe is a friggin’ beast at the challenges! For real, there were about 5 times that he should have lost that challenge but someone the guy comes back every time! Love Joe!
Thanks again for the recaps – I look forward to reading them every Thursday! 🙂
Bonnie
TGIF Folks! Seriously…I need a weekend…or three….and more of this season of Survivor…I think I’m enjoying it more than most of the seasons past.
You once again reaffirmed my faith in your snarky wisdom by including my two must-have’s on your Crappiest players list. Dan and Abi. Dan was the most hurl inducing, completely self-unaware Ahole. Just moronic.
Abi I am embarrassed to say actually earned a point with me this week when she told SP to Suck it up Buttercup. But…She is still the survivor player I’d most like to shiv.
Once again this week SP continues to display his pathological need to rid his island of the Adonis. That desperation is disturbing. If he ever does manage to get rid of Joe…I worry what he will do when he realizes that he is STILL just a skeevy loser.
I cannot believe all of these experienced players decided not to bother splitting the vote. Are you freaking kidding me? I LOVED seeing Wentworth make the decision to throw down the idol. THAT was good television.
Other than losing a possible defender for the golden boy…I wasn’t sad to see Savage get his wish to make Jury. He is not the loyal nice guy he tries to portray…not.at.all.
Enjoyed the recap…great episode…looong wait until next Wednesday.
Fish do you watch Amazing Race? This has been a tough season to find someone to root for. Justin is that show’s Dan Foley. ugh. And…he’s engaged…seriously…why would anyone put up with that sort of asshattery?
-Hathor
Won’t lie, the end of the show last night left a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve no desire to watch Big Brother (where I imagine the contestants constantly flipping each other off and calling each other all sorts of deplorable rubbish imaginable [Guess who started listening to Christmas music]) and that’s what tribal felt like.
Beyond that, Cierra’s mother clearly never slapped her enough as a child. Nobody should be able to roll their eyes like that. Also, Survivor editors, are you out there? I also don’t need to see that creepy eye roll 3 or 4 times. Once was enough.
I can’t believe there wasn’t a splitting of the vote. Seriously shocked. When you have the kind of numbers you do, why not be prepared for a possible hidden immunity idol? Bunch of morons really think that this far into the game not a single idol has been found? Just because everyone’s been smart enough to keep that to themselves doesn’t mean they’re not out there. Bunch of idiots.
Hopefully this isn’t the start of a final 3 of Cierra, Wentworth and Abi. I wouldn’t mind seeing Wentworth pull a victory (especially with that idol play) but the other two being taken along? Horrible. Truly horrible.
Good morning fellow BBQ haters . A few of the sh*^tiest I would add . Gervase , aligning himself with Tyson and Monica ? Because he had a chance to beat them ? I also nominate the entire Hunahpu tribe . How do you run out of food after 14 days !? I am not a fan of Dan but he was just a jack ass . He tried to play I guess . Will was the most useless Survivor ever in my eyes . No social game (except loving him some Rodney ) terrible in Challenges and did nothing at camp . Rodney what a tool . An obvious Jersey Shore reject . On to last episode . I think the alliance was scared that the 3 girls might pull Super Joe , Clueless Keith and Mr Personality Spencer or at least 2 of them to their side . Kelley may have put a huge target her back . Great move playing the idol . Bad move going all Ciera and calling out the “Alliance ” . Shake your butt at Joe and Keith and try and turn them . Do not I repeat do not start running off at the mouth ( women feel free to heed this advice in your daily lives) . That was a joke no hate mail please . Scary that so many bad players are still in the game (sorry Keith you entertain me but ) Abi , Spencer , Kimmi you should not have been voted on and certainly shouldn’t still be playing ! Have a wonderful day everyone !
Holy smokes, folks, what a crazy world we live in, huh? Makes watching a reality show a bit less important. But…we still need our distractions, and I think we’ve got a nice little distraction in Survivor…
Bonnie: Thanks for writing in, and I’m glad you’re enjoying the recaps. Based on what I saw in the episode, it looked like Ciera was doing more of the talking at Tribal, but that could just be the edit. I thought Kelley made the decision to play the idol when Joe told her the Fishbach vote was off. The show wants to keep us guessing, but I’d say that’s when she decided she was gonna drop it. And yeah, Joe’s the man. He’s the kind of guy I like on Survivor. Strong, good looking, social, cool, athletic, all of it. I don’t like bad guys and Fishbachs…
hathor: What up, yo! Thank you for continuing to come back. I’m a little lost about the “suck it up” comment, cause I don’t recall Abi speaking to Fishbach, so can you clarify? And THANK YOU for mentioning Adonis because that’s who I meant all along. I kept typing Apollo but it never seemed right. I will correct that moving forward… I agree about not splitting the vote but from all the post-show interviews and videos I’ve seen, it looks like the group outside the 3 girls couldn’t trust each other to split, and fearing one or two would flip, their split would have sent one of their own home. In Fishbach’s post interview, he said that everyone was 100% sure no idols would be played (because 1, no one ever saw Kelley looking and 2, she evidently sold the fact she was going home pre-Tribal). He mentioned she was just lounging about, looking depressed for a couple hours, and really sold it that she had accepted her fate. Wish we would have seen THAT storyline in the episode! I’m neither here nor there on Savage. He does have a smuggery I don’t like, but at least he’s not annoying to me. I just wish they would have targeted Fishbach instead… Yeah, I do watch TAR (thought of recapping it at one point but decided against it). I’ve watched every season since 15 so I have less experience than others but yeah, that dude gets on my nerves too. There’s something about that New York stereotype that bugs me. Always has. I have friends from New York, and they don’t act like that. Just kind of a buffoon too. Like Dan…
thatguy: I totally get what you mean with the flipping the bird stuff. It just doesn’t belong in society anymore. If you’re pissed at someone, tell them to fuck off, but flipping the bird is lame, especially Kass’s who did it purely for television and not because she’s still pissed. At least Savage did it in response to Abi’s stupid comment. I agree with you on Ciera, I’ve just never been a fan of hers. Don’t know why. Just comes across as someone who complains about everything when it doesn’t go her way, but whatever, I’ll never meet her. And hell ya, they were idiots! Stupid that NO ONE said, “but even if there is an idol, we should have a plan B.” I just wish they’d get rid of Abi, because the longer she stays, the better the chance she’ll be dragged to FT, and none of us wanna hear her try to justify how she deserves to win the game. I just wish once there’s a contestant who says, “I know I was dragged here, so I won’t even bother trying to justify why I deserve to win. I’ll just sound stupid…” My wish for Final 3: Joe, Kelley, Jeremy…game on! But it’ll probably be: Ciera, Kimmi, Wigles, and we’ll all throw up in our mouths a little…
Rick: Welcome back, sir! Thanks for the kind words. A few comments: Gervase, I never really thought of him as an ass, but I see your points. Hunahpu, yes, I should have given them Honorable Mention. And we’re in agreement on all the rest. I just wonder if Kelley’s big move will finally motivate some players to start pulling moves of their own. I see a lot of fracturing the rest of the season. Players will have to compete with what Kelley just did, so I think the game just started… Have a great week!
So, in case you follow me on Twitter (and if you don’t, why not?!) I tweeted a link to an interesting comment from Savage. In it, he said something like, “in the rest of the season, something happens that’s NEVER happened before in the history of Survivor.” I have no idea what that is, but it makes me wonder. Yesterday, I received an email for a reader who had a theory, and I had one of my own. Would love to know what you folks think…
Reader theory: Joe goes on an Immunity string and wins every challenge, guaranteeing him a place in the Final. His theory was based on following Joe on social media, and it seems Joe hasn’t worked since returning from Cambodia so that means he “doesn’t need the money.” Not sure I totally buy that, because Joe doesn’t know if he’s won or not, unless he’s in the Final against Keith and Abi. We’ll see…
My theory, which I suggested a few weeks ago, is what if the show played around with the format and we have a 4 person Final Tribal? There’s a rationale for it since the merged tribe was so large, and since these are “favorites” playing, the show wants us to get our fill. I’m probably wrong, so let’s hear what you guys have to say…
And for the record, every time I think how hot some women are on Survivor, I then realize that they’re unshaven, bug bitten, no teeth brushed, monkeys flying, and pooping in the bushes or the ocean. And it’s almost enough to stifle my chubby. Almost…
I don’t follow you on twitter because I don’t tweet. 😛
Final Four would be very interesting.
Joe going on a win streak wouldn’t really qualify as “something never before seen on Survivor” (OK, yes the length would be new, but the event itself isn’t new.)
Fish…the moment I’m referring to is when they go back to camp after losing the reward challenge. SP is languishing in the shelter and says says something whiney to the effect of “I can’t deal with losing that challenge…I’m having a low moment”…something like that…and Abi comments back “Get over it”. THAT made me laugh…truly. So she earned a point. But that’s one point against literally hundreds of bitch points she has already earned in her two stints on this show.
I don’t do twitter or any of the other stuff…but you will always get support from me here for doing these re-caps! Keep on keepin on.
-Hathor
Stay classy Kass…. Guess she’ll be introducing herself that way at tribal the rest of the season. Disappointing to say the least.