The big reveal of the tribe names is done with a ghastly whimper – we have Gota, the Fans. And, about 15 minutes into them being on the beach, they’re already fighting about what needs to be done. Shamar, the Marine believes that everyone is wasting their energy building the shelter that they don’t need and should be concentrating on building the fire because, 15 minutes in, they’ve already drank all the water they’ve been rationed. Smart move, there, dummies.
Anyway, someone needs to discuss with Shamar how to NOT play the game of Survivor. Hey, dipdick, if everyone else on your tribe wants to build the shelter, guess what you do? You build the f*cking shelter. And, you like it. Cut that bamboo with the machete and tie together with a smile on your face. You don’t tell people to shut up and stop talking, and sit around moping like a big baby. Yes, we all appreciate your service, and for keeping us safe while putting your life in danger each and every day in Iraq, but we’ll vote your silly, abusive-mouthed @ss out first night if you keep it up. Zip your mouth, please.
Note to the Survivor camera crew, and editing staff – DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT show me anymore close-ups of Phillip’s crotch. I don’t need to know which way it’s hanging in his pink tighties, and whether or not it’s at half staff or not. Understood? I don’t need you prompting me to sound any gayer than I already do with how much I talk about men’s crotch areas in this blog. Geez…I don’t even think I’m 2 pages in and I’ve probably mentioned more pen!s than I’ve seen of my own the past month!
Now that we got that out of the way, we can get to some real game talk. The contestants on this season are getting right to it. We’ve got Dawn, Andrea, and Francesca wanting to work together as a threesome, and to bring in Cochran, Brandon, and Phillip (of all people) to make their threesome a sixsome. If I were shown the list of 10 Random Memorables before the season started, and asked to pit together 6 faces I thought would be teaming up, I probably would have gotten to this sixsome with my 1,579th attempt. Reason being:
“She annoys me, greatly.”
Well, not the reason, but still, a great quote from the Former Federal Agent. It was at this point that I knew either Phillip or Francesca was going to go out first. And, then Francesca talked about eating a rock if she went first, and her fate was sealed. For all those who watch Survivor, we know that they foreshadow what’s going to happen way too much. They throw us for some loops here and there, but for all intent and purposes, they stick to the tried and true of giving away the ending at some point in the episode. But, in their defense, it’s kind of hard not to since it’s somewhat easy to guess who’s going to be voted out. Or, at least who the two main chopping-block members are. Still, the whole rock statement made it click for me. I was saying Sayonara to Franny at that point.
If you ever wanted to know how to come back from being the Day 1 @sshole – you build fire for your tribe. And, that’s exactly what Shamar did. Instead of leading the charge, and building the fire, he let the tribe struggle in their efforts, sat back on his @ss and strode in to save the day, by picking the right pieces of wood for the job. Fire had been successfully built, and the Gota tribe had their drinking water and warmth. Nice save, Shamar. We knew you had it in you. CBS wasn’t going to let the Marine be the villain of the season just yet.
Back at the Bikal tribe (whoever comes up with these names must have fun doing so – probably just pointing to random letters in the alphabet line and going with that), Phillip wants to start his own alliance. Or, maybe he wants to start three different alliances. Or, maybe he’s not. Does anybody know? He starts off talking to Corinne, and telling her he needs her by his side. And then to bring in Malcolm and Andrea. And, he’s going to call Corinne “The Dominatrix” (yeah, we all know what Phillip’s thinking is there and which part of his body made up that name) and Andrea “The Eliminator.” Then, he teeters off and never gives a name for Malcolm. And, in the same breath says he wants Cochran and Dawn, but also wants Erik, but then doesn’t want Erik if he’s going to be nervous, but does want him to trust him, and then tells him he needs to be with him or else, or what, I don’t know, I’m just as confused listening to his rambling as you are reading this paragraph. If anybody could read through the lines and decipher what Phillip’s strategy is this season, please let it be known in the comments below (which, by the way, I’d like to be a little more active this season, thank you).
But, if Phillip is crazy, what would we consider Reynold and Allie? A Final 2 deal already? I know it’s not the first time people have made final 2 deals on day 1, hour 1, but still, get to know the person a little more. You don’t want to end up stuck with another Abi-Maria, who seems halfway decent the first day and then turns to absolute bat shizz crazy by end of day 2, yet somehow ends up talking everyone else into thinking you’re crazy, and getting you voted off. Wait until day 2 or 3 to start making some final 3 or 4 deals. Still, though, LOVED his reasoning for choosing her as his final two mate! Girls love hearing you chose them because they’re “not the cutest.” Awesome. And, the day before Valentine’s Day, no less. I’m guessing Reynold’s date just canceled on him last minute. Enjoy Friday’s by yourself, Reynold.
Not to be outdone, Eddie lets us all know that he and Hope are the best looking on the island. Uh, sorry Eddie, but have you seen Cochran and Francesca on the other side of the island? You got NO CHANCE, buddy. Hope, she may have a shot, but come on, you’re going to compare yourself to the studness of Cochran? Keep dreaming. Did you know Cochran went to Harvard – and roomed with this unknown Survivor blogger? That bumps him up on the sexy meter, for sure. You, and your online degree from the University of Phoenix don’t measure up.
And, then, not to let himself be outdone by idiot Eddie, Reynold one-ups him by making out with the not-so-cute Allie on night 1 in the shelter! Do people not watch the show? Geez…just tell her to get up and pretend to go pee and you’ll meet her out in the bushes in 30 seconds. It’s not that hard to at least attempt to hide it from the rest of the group! Putting yourself out there as a couple on night 1 was definitely an Eddie move. Or Reynold. These two are interchangeable at this point. I’m guessing they hang out at bars together now, and tell chicks they roomed together at Education Connection, with Shannon Doherty as their RA. And, the sad part is that they probably bang 2-3 chicks each week, who don’t care that the douche buying them drinks is lying to them, which in turn just makes said douche think he’s a genius by telling his stories, making the entire world just go in a circle like usual. Nothing’s ever going to change…ugh, I hate that I have a daughter and I’m going to have to drink heavily after she turns 18 and goes off to college, knowing she’s probably banging losers like Reynold and Eddie, just because they buy her a few drinks and show off their biceps in their smedium pink and purple polo’s with their collars popped. God, I just gave myself a raging headache right now. Shoot me now, Lord. Shoot me now. I told you I didn’t want a daughter, but you decided to play this evil trick on me anyway. Me and you are going to have some fun when I get up to Heaven, because I want to be your right-hand man, choosing who we get to screw with, and how! It’s only fair. I know who I’m starting with. And, nobody else gets to know who.
Hi Scott,
I agree the “heros” comment was weird. Maybe Steve has made me paranoid about production tricking the audience but it made me wonder if it was a clip from “heros v villains” stuck in or if Probst was just forgetting which episode he was now on. One thing I did think was really weird that you didn’t touch on was when the Marine said “break her wrist” and it was like the record stopping sound and Probst paused w/that school marm “what did you just say?” I thought that seemed way overdone. Who cares if he yelled that? I thought Probst’s overreaction was really annoying. Keep up the great updates!
I thought it was a pretty decent first episode. I’m thinking that Dawn and Cochran are going to go really far this season. Brandon Hantz is going to have a major emotional breakdown at some point, which could be interesting. I don’t think Phillip is going to make it to merge. Also, Jun Song, winner of BB4, does a recap, and she refers to Eddie Reynold and the two blond bimbos as “The Douchebag Alliance”. I would like them to be referred to as this. Overal, I think its going to be a good season. Different, with the returning players they chose, but good.
Great recap Scott. Sure do miss tvonthedaily and your Walking Dead recaps.
I thought when the so called “favorites” were coming off the helicopter we would actually see some FAVORITES! What a disappointment……I didn’t even remember some of these people….they must have been the only ones willing to do it again, huh?! Probably going to be another yawning season…..
@kinbville: I didn’t mention the wrist comment because it was such a non-factor in the episode. Nobody cares that he said, so I don’t know why Probst had that reaction. And, he totally meant it the other way (to actually break her wrist)…
@bbfan12: They are douchebags, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I can call girls douchebags. I’ll have to come up with something else for them.
@dev: I appreciate the kind words. I miss tvonthedaily more than you do. But, I must also admit that I enjoy watching my shows without having to take notes, rewind to catch certain lines, pause to write something down so I don’t forget, etc. I hate ruining the flow of a great TV show. As for The Walking Dead – it’s a good thing I’m still not recapping it, because I would have BLASTED this past episode. I thought it sucked.
Per your request I intend to be more active in the comments section this season. I like Francesca! I won’t list the reasons why I like her but I do. Did you really room with Cochran at Havard? PS You did talk more about about pen!s than you did about pretty girls in bathing suits.
@susie: Don’t think that won’t be corrected next recap! And, for the “record,” yes I did room with Cochran at Harvard. For the Record, no, I didn’t…just like how Eddie & Reynolds Wrap are claiming roommate status in my recap! 🙂
Predictions:
Fans: Unless the Fans go on an Immunity Challenge winning streak, Michael and Mike will align with the Pretty People because (a) they think they need the muscle to win challenges and (b) they will assume the Pretty People will be easy to manipulate and beat in the end.
Favorites: Not many (any) stupid brawny alpha male strong guys on this team. Even Malcolm has shown his gameplay is social and strategic over- let’s just go out and win everything! That said, I think there will be A LOT of restless maneuvering on this tribe of no super obvious leaders. I think whichever girl latches on to Malcolm (guessing either Andrea or Brenda- though disappointed with lack of strategy participation from Brenda as of Episode 1) will make it far. Dawn (bc she is so nice) and Cochran (bc he over-thinks) will constantly be the “swing votes” and won’t have the loyalty when the final lines are drawn.
Welcome Back!
Although some of these people are not “favorites” to me (no clue who Corinne is), Phillip is so entertaining to me that it makes up for it.
I am still going to root for Malcolm. Although there’s no way he would have lost that challenge….confused!
When Malcolm touched Cochran on the shoulder I was hoping Cochran would overreact and act like Malcolm had hurt his sunburn. That would have been funny.
Isn’t Phillip trying to be just like Boston Rob with his strategy? Seems like he studied the tapes extensively from that season, the ex CIA that he is.
I caught that about Brandon reacting to Andrea, just like Makalyla, and funnily enough, so did Malcom. I guess Malcolm has the biggest advantage in terms of favourites, since these folks wouldnt have seen his season, this season must have been filmed while the other was airing, no?
Scottersen (because I’m sure you’ve never gotten that one),
Glad to have you back for the recaps. Overall, I’m excited for this season. I’ve always thought the “let’s bring 3 former cast members back” was a dumb concept. Make it all, half, or nothing. And I’m pretty happy with the group of losers they’ve brought back. For once, no one is a winner.
One thought about the challenge editing– Seems like they did a reshoot or something to make it seem like the Fans were still at the top of the tower while Malcolm was throwing the sand bags. When they shot the teams climbing up to the top, there wasn’t such a huge gap between the two, and it would be pretty crazy if it took the fans that long to throw boxes over the edge.
Another thought about lawyers on this show. First, they are a huge disappointment. Most just don’t know how to interact with people. They get super cocky on the show and start to strategize and think too much way too quickly (like Matt a couple seasons ago, and our main girl Fran thinking someone had an idol). Cochran seems to be the exception, but I think it is just due to his general lack of self confidence. I’m too lazy to look this up, but any idea on what he is doing with his life? Almost all law students fill their summers with some kind of job (especially HLS students), and they usually get their permanent offers from previous summer employers, which leads me to believe that Cochran just doesn’t have a job lined up at all.
Looking forward to another season of recaps!
I got a good kick out of Malcolm touching Cochran’s shoulder. I thought it was pretty funny & wish that Cochran would have had a negative reaction to it, as well, but not in the form that his sunburn hurt, but more as if he was about to get voted out. But, I feel that he’s doing a lot of acting this season, and it’s probably going to get old, so it may be better that he didn’t. I do think he’s trying too hard to be funny/likable (there’s no way this is the correct way to spell that – wordpress needs a new spellcheck).
I don’t know if I have predictions yet, but I think we’ll be seeing a woman win this season. That’s my off-the-top prediction right now. No idea who just yet.
Hi! First off, if Cochran is so sunburned get out of the sun! I do believe there are trees there so quit crying about the burn and get in the shade! I’m sure it hurt, but get out of the sun and wear your shoes to begin with!
The marine was just plain annoying! To sit there and yell at everyone, then come in last minute to build the fire is horrible strategy. People hold grudges on this show, like you said just go with the tribe! I think it will be a fun season, if people make dumb moves and partner up with the wrong people! Haha, good column.
FYI… Shamar (the marine) was a huge supporter and protestor for Occupy Wall Street. There are YT of him everywhere. I didn’t like him before, and I most certainly do not like him now that I found out yesterday that he is an Occupier.
Did anyone else find that there head was going to explode trying to figure out who the alliances and suballiances were for the “Favorites?” Even though I had read months ago that Francesca was going to be the first one out, I couldn’t figure out who was in which alliance.
I hear you lexie – I didn’t know what the hell was going on or who was with who.
I’m just about least news-y type person in the world. I know what Occupy Wall Street is, but didn’t follow along what they were really trying to accomplish – nor did I care. Should it have been something I cared about?
Anyone else find it obvious that the first challenge was set up? Flint, as previously stated, is a basically worthless reward so the first challenge was virtually useless in that sense. There ended up being 5 rounds, the exact number needed to give everyone 1 chance. And they let the favorites win because the fans had to have the marine save the day which wouldn’t have happened if they had the flint. Very fishy.
Welcome back, Scott!! Love your survivor updates! I completely agree about the people hooking up on the campsite. How hard can it be to step away for a few minutes? People manage to do it all the time when they’re plotting and planning, but they have to make out in plain view of their competition. Der!!
It’s all these little things that happen (like the making out & comp. editing) that makes me believe Survivor may not be “scripted” so much, but they definitely have writers & producers help with developing story lines for the “characters” on the island, knowing that if they let these idiots just handle it themselves, it’d be SUPER boring.
Just like how when I spoke with Christina Cha last year, she couldn’t even mention ONE THING that had ANYTHING to do with production & how the show worked. I would ask a simple question about how they did the ITMs and she couldn’t answer. All these shows are just so fishy, which is why I NEED to get on one… 🙂
Hey there 🙂 So first off, I read your blog last season and have decided to actually comment during this one. I know, how very un-lazy of me.
Anywho, I’m going to first say that the “cool kids table,” or whatever the hell they’re calling themselves, make me want to vomit a little. I guarantee you that those two men spend a lot of time winking at their own reflections in their respective mirrors. And I don’t know what long-coiffed-hair-dude is talking about… the two blondes look virtually identical to me. “No, you’re prettier.” “No, YOU’RE prettier!” Gag.
On a completely unrelated note, the animal shots in this episode were the coolest things about it! Did you see the crab-dudes waving their claws and then dipping out? Or the monkey thing with the big freaking eyes?! Much better than the snakes and spiders they usually show, and with some better camera-work and editing. Now if only they could make the people look that good… hmmm…
Hey kearanne, thanks for commenting! I have to admit that the wild animal shots are some of my favorite shots of Survivor! I just think it’s so crazy how they get that footage. Personally, I don’t know if it’s the Survivor crew getting the shot or if it’s stock footage from National Geographic. But, either way, I love seeing it. The crab one was priceless. And, they totally put that one in on purpose, because that was the longest-lasting animal shot in Survivor history! 🙂
Ooooooh 1 more thing!!! If I have to watch those disgusting men in their colorful man panties one more time I may take a pic of my vomit and tweet the show!!! #ralph