I’m back, b*tches. Another season of Survivor is in the bag…oh wait, it just started, didn’t it? I’m confused – didn’t we just crown a champion? Why are we back on the island with a bunch of other people? Oh, it’s a new season? Are you sure? I swear I just finished an episode blog last week for Steve and he threw it up on his website, a 2 or 5 people commented on it, and I was planning my Survivor retirement in some non-tropical, suburban city of Chicago. But, if you’re telling me this is a new season, I’ll believe you, and I’ll prepare myself for 15 or so weeks of writing more recaps about these idiots they’re trying to tell me are my “Favorites” from seasons past. Seriously, CBS, Francesca is a favorite of mine? I don’t even think she’s a favorite of her own parents, let alone the few people who remember her from her one episode! And, who is this Corinne chick? Sure, she has pretty dimples, but not pretty enough to remember from whatever season she was on. Maybe we can just change it to “Fans vs. Some Memorables and a Few Randoms Thrown In Because the Good People Said No Thanks” next time around, in season 43, off in 2020.
Ok, before I really get started, let me throw out a little disclaimer. At this point, I’m doubting any of you are new readers, but in case some are, I’ll run down my style and why you SHOULDN’T read on from this point. If you’re offended by the word pen!s, c*ck, p*ssy, or any other sex organ on the human body, you probably shouldn’t continue reading. If you’re offended by sexual innuendo, you probably should stop now. If reading me gushing about pretty girls in bikini’s for a paragraph or two is against your religion, press the X button in the top right-hand corner of this page RIGHT NOW! Basically, if you can’t take a couple d*ck jokes, or don’t like The Original Kings of Comedy, Chappelle’s Show, or Seinfeld, just stop reading now. And, if you’re that lady that kept emailing me and commenting on my last season’s blogs about how disgusting I am, PLEASE STOP READING!! Ok? Remember how much you hate me? Good…so, just stop reading. I know my blogs are like Farina – you WANT to like them, but you just can’t stomach to take more than two bites without wanting to puke all over the place. Just leave it be. Read Steve’s kosher blogs, where he definitely doesn’t reference anything sexual or swear a time or six and go on with your merry day. I’m not going to respond to your hatred of me anymore. I understand you’re allowed your opinion, but honestly, I don’t like your opinion, so take it elsewhere. Thank you.
Ok, let’s get this b*tch started, shall we?
More importantly, let’s get this b*tch over with…
And, within 10 minutes of the beginning of the show, Probst proved yet again why he’s my favorite reality TV host, with his introduction of “Former Federal Agent Phillip.” Priceless. But, let’s have it end right there, ok? I don’t want to hear him reiterate that he’s a former Federal Agent three million times to everyone who will listen. Thank you.
As soon as the helicopter lands, and drops off the Favorites, Probst throws them into a competition. This is to give them flint and twenty pounds of beans. As we’ve seen in the past few seasons, flint means nothing since there’s always one person who knows how to start fires on each tribe, so I was glad to see they added beans to the prize pool this time around, giving food is a luxury in this game. Although, I’d kinda want to know what kind of beans we’re talking about here. That said, I’m guessing around day 3 I wouldn’t care if they were beans taken out of the monkey turds around the jungle, I’d be eating them. After we boil them, of course. If Andrew Zimmern is still alive after all the sh*t he’s eaten, I think I’d be ok eating monkey turds and some tree bark.
The only thing of note that happened inside the competition was that a few of the girls got to catch a glimpse of Malcolm’s slippery slope. Oh, and Cochran strategically put himself up against the girl tribe member, allowing the real man of the duo, Francesca to take on the man. Well played, Harvard. By the way, I totally forgot to sport my Harvard hoodie while watching this episode. I told myself I would, but it slipped my mind. Oh well, next week, Cochran, I promise. For all those that don’t know me, yes, I went to Harvard. For all those that do know me, shut your mouths.
And, the Favorites win. Congratulations on your beans and flint. You have real first world problems now.
Hi Scott,
I agree the “heros” comment was weird. Maybe Steve has made me paranoid about production tricking the audience but it made me wonder if it was a clip from “heros v villains” stuck in or if Probst was just forgetting which episode he was now on. One thing I did think was really weird that you didn’t touch on was when the Marine said “break her wrist” and it was like the record stopping sound and Probst paused w/that school marm “what did you just say?” I thought that seemed way overdone. Who cares if he yelled that? I thought Probst’s overreaction was really annoying. Keep up the great updates!
I thought it was a pretty decent first episode. I’m thinking that Dawn and Cochran are going to go really far this season. Brandon Hantz is going to have a major emotional breakdown at some point, which could be interesting. I don’t think Phillip is going to make it to merge. Also, Jun Song, winner of BB4, does a recap, and she refers to Eddie Reynold and the two blond bimbos as “The Douchebag Alliance”. I would like them to be referred to as this. Overal, I think its going to be a good season. Different, with the returning players they chose, but good.
Great recap Scott. Sure do miss tvonthedaily and your Walking Dead recaps.
I thought when the so called “favorites” were coming off the helicopter we would actually see some FAVORITES! What a disappointment……I didn’t even remember some of these people….they must have been the only ones willing to do it again, huh?! Probably going to be another yawning season…..
@kinbville: I didn’t mention the wrist comment because it was such a non-factor in the episode. Nobody cares that he said, so I don’t know why Probst had that reaction. And, he totally meant it the other way (to actually break her wrist)…
@bbfan12: They are douchebags, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I can call girls douchebags. I’ll have to come up with something else for them.
@dev: I appreciate the kind words. I miss tvonthedaily more than you do. But, I must also admit that I enjoy watching my shows without having to take notes, rewind to catch certain lines, pause to write something down so I don’t forget, etc. I hate ruining the flow of a great TV show. As for The Walking Dead – it’s a good thing I’m still not recapping it, because I would have BLASTED this past episode. I thought it sucked.
Per your request I intend to be more active in the comments section this season. I like Francesca! I won’t list the reasons why I like her but I do. Did you really room with Cochran at Havard? PS You did talk more about about pen!s than you did about pretty girls in bathing suits.
@susie: Don’t think that won’t be corrected next recap! And, for the “record,” yes I did room with Cochran at Harvard. For the Record, no, I didn’t…just like how Eddie & Reynolds Wrap are claiming roommate status in my recap! 🙂
Predictions:
Fans: Unless the Fans go on an Immunity Challenge winning streak, Michael and Mike will align with the Pretty People because (a) they think they need the muscle to win challenges and (b) they will assume the Pretty People will be easy to manipulate and beat in the end.
Favorites: Not many (any) stupid brawny alpha male strong guys on this team. Even Malcolm has shown his gameplay is social and strategic over- let’s just go out and win everything! That said, I think there will be A LOT of restless maneuvering on this tribe of no super obvious leaders. I think whichever girl latches on to Malcolm (guessing either Andrea or Brenda- though disappointed with lack of strategy participation from Brenda as of Episode 1) will make it far. Dawn (bc she is so nice) and Cochran (bc he over-thinks) will constantly be the “swing votes” and won’t have the loyalty when the final lines are drawn.
Welcome Back!
Although some of these people are not “favorites” to me (no clue who Corinne is), Phillip is so entertaining to me that it makes up for it.
I am still going to root for Malcolm. Although there’s no way he would have lost that challenge….confused!
When Malcolm touched Cochran on the shoulder I was hoping Cochran would overreact and act like Malcolm had hurt his sunburn. That would have been funny.
Isn’t Phillip trying to be just like Boston Rob with his strategy? Seems like he studied the tapes extensively from that season, the ex CIA that he is.
I caught that about Brandon reacting to Andrea, just like Makalyla, and funnily enough, so did Malcom. I guess Malcolm has the biggest advantage in terms of favourites, since these folks wouldnt have seen his season, this season must have been filmed while the other was airing, no?
Scottersen (because I’m sure you’ve never gotten that one),
Glad to have you back for the recaps. Overall, I’m excited for this season. I’ve always thought the “let’s bring 3 former cast members back” was a dumb concept. Make it all, half, or nothing. And I’m pretty happy with the group of losers they’ve brought back. For once, no one is a winner.
One thought about the challenge editing– Seems like they did a reshoot or something to make it seem like the Fans were still at the top of the tower while Malcolm was throwing the sand bags. When they shot the teams climbing up to the top, there wasn’t such a huge gap between the two, and it would be pretty crazy if it took the fans that long to throw boxes over the edge.
Another thought about lawyers on this show. First, they are a huge disappointment. Most just don’t know how to interact with people. They get super cocky on the show and start to strategize and think too much way too quickly (like Matt a couple seasons ago, and our main girl Fran thinking someone had an idol). Cochran seems to be the exception, but I think it is just due to his general lack of self confidence. I’m too lazy to look this up, but any idea on what he is doing with his life? Almost all law students fill their summers with some kind of job (especially HLS students), and they usually get their permanent offers from previous summer employers, which leads me to believe that Cochran just doesn’t have a job lined up at all.
Looking forward to another season of recaps!
I got a good kick out of Malcolm touching Cochran’s shoulder. I thought it was pretty funny & wish that Cochran would have had a negative reaction to it, as well, but not in the form that his sunburn hurt, but more as if he was about to get voted out. But, I feel that he’s doing a lot of acting this season, and it’s probably going to get old, so it may be better that he didn’t. I do think he’s trying too hard to be funny/likable (there’s no way this is the correct way to spell that – wordpress needs a new spellcheck).
I don’t know if I have predictions yet, but I think we’ll be seeing a woman win this season. That’s my off-the-top prediction right now. No idea who just yet.
Hi! First off, if Cochran is so sunburned get out of the sun! I do believe there are trees there so quit crying about the burn and get in the shade! I’m sure it hurt, but get out of the sun and wear your shoes to begin with!
The marine was just plain annoying! To sit there and yell at everyone, then come in last minute to build the fire is horrible strategy. People hold grudges on this show, like you said just go with the tribe! I think it will be a fun season, if people make dumb moves and partner up with the wrong people! Haha, good column.
FYI… Shamar (the marine) was a huge supporter and protestor for Occupy Wall Street. There are YT of him everywhere. I didn’t like him before, and I most certainly do not like him now that I found out yesterday that he is an Occupier.
Did anyone else find that there head was going to explode trying to figure out who the alliances and suballiances were for the “Favorites?” Even though I had read months ago that Francesca was going to be the first one out, I couldn’t figure out who was in which alliance.
I hear you lexie – I didn’t know what the hell was going on or who was with who.
I’m just about least news-y type person in the world. I know what Occupy Wall Street is, but didn’t follow along what they were really trying to accomplish – nor did I care. Should it have been something I cared about?
Anyone else find it obvious that the first challenge was set up? Flint, as previously stated, is a basically worthless reward so the first challenge was virtually useless in that sense. There ended up being 5 rounds, the exact number needed to give everyone 1 chance. And they let the favorites win because the fans had to have the marine save the day which wouldn’t have happened if they had the flint. Very fishy.
Welcome back, Scott!! Love your survivor updates! I completely agree about the people hooking up on the campsite. How hard can it be to step away for a few minutes? People manage to do it all the time when they’re plotting and planning, but they have to make out in plain view of their competition. Der!!
It’s all these little things that happen (like the making out & comp. editing) that makes me believe Survivor may not be “scripted” so much, but they definitely have writers & producers help with developing story lines for the “characters” on the island, knowing that if they let these idiots just handle it themselves, it’d be SUPER boring.
Just like how when I spoke with Christina Cha last year, she couldn’t even mention ONE THING that had ANYTHING to do with production & how the show worked. I would ask a simple question about how they did the ITMs and she couldn’t answer. All these shows are just so fishy, which is why I NEED to get on one… 🙂
Hey there 🙂 So first off, I read your blog last season and have decided to actually comment during this one. I know, how very un-lazy of me.
Anywho, I’m going to first say that the “cool kids table,” or whatever the hell they’re calling themselves, make me want to vomit a little. I guarantee you that those two men spend a lot of time winking at their own reflections in their respective mirrors. And I don’t know what long-coiffed-hair-dude is talking about… the two blondes look virtually identical to me. “No, you’re prettier.” “No, YOU’RE prettier!” Gag.
On a completely unrelated note, the animal shots in this episode were the coolest things about it! Did you see the crab-dudes waving their claws and then dipping out? Or the monkey thing with the big freaking eyes?! Much better than the snakes and spiders they usually show, and with some better camera-work and editing. Now if only they could make the people look that good… hmmm…
Hey kearanne, thanks for commenting! I have to admit that the wild animal shots are some of my favorite shots of Survivor! I just think it’s so crazy how they get that footage. Personally, I don’t know if it’s the Survivor crew getting the shot or if it’s stock footage from National Geographic. But, either way, I love seeing it. The crab one was priceless. And, they totally put that one in on purpose, because that was the longest-lasting animal shot in Survivor history! 🙂
Ooooooh 1 more thing!!! If I have to watch those disgusting men in their colorful man panties one more time I may take a pic of my vomit and tweet the show!!! #ralph