SURVIVOR: PHILIPPINES – 10/10/12

The show opens over at the Matsing camp, where nobody is talking, they can’t get the fire going, and because of all the rain, the three remaining tribe members are going stir crazy. See what a difference a pair of ta-ta’s and a pretty face makes? Even they wouldn’t deny that Angie’s presence made all the difference in the world. Sure, the b*tch was stupid and talked about cookies a little too much, but the fact of the matter remained that she walked around camp in either a bikini or her bra and underwear, and even as a non-lesbian, Denise can appreciate that. Without her boob thing, Russell even became delusional, thinking that the Matsing tribe was going to mount the greatest comeback ever seen in the history of mankind. You know, because historically, somewhere, someone is keeping track of all the great comebacks in Survivor lore. We get it, Russell, you want to win and all, but look at your team. You guys suck. Hell, YOU suck. Deal with it. My guess is we’re going to see another one of the Matsing tribe riding off into the sunset to join Angie back at the Holiday Inn Philippines.

Over at the Tannest Dong Ever tribe, Pete plans on creating some chaos around camp, so he planted the clue in RC’s bag and it just happened to “fall out” and Abi found it. I’m not so sure I understand how he planted it to exactly just “fall” out of her bag, but whatever, I’m tired of the giving you the Producer’s messing with the game angle, so I’ll leave it be. Semantics, right? He wanted to stir the pot and cause a rift between Abi and RC when a rift already was in place. Those two haven’t gotten along for days now, buddy, so congratulations on doing nothing at all. Your chaos was more like my dad coming into our room at night with his belt to whack us for being too loud and not going to bed. Only thing he didn’t know is that we had about 25 seconds to prepare for his loud, stomping @ss to get out of his wavy water bed, open his dresser, rifle through his top drawer for his belt, shut the dresser, open his door, open our door, and walk over to our beds. By the time he got to us, we had pillows stuffed in our blankets and he was just whacking cotton and feathers at that point. A little bit of chaos, but not the kind he was hoping for. Pete, you just got compared to my dad. Like I said, congratulations. You should be proud.

Since we have to go from one tribe to the next, it’s Kalabaw’s turn, where we learn that Jeff’s first intention was to not allow a veteran to win this season, but after he realized how young and idiotic his tribe was, he felt the only person he might be able to trust, and actually have a decent conversation with was Penner, so he decided to team up with him, full five finger style handshake this time. I’m sure it doesn’t hurt that Penner has the idol, either. Carter also hops on board with Penner and Kent. I feel like I need to know Carter’s last name, and that it should be something like Nushack, and after the show, they can form a law firm with the name Penner, Kent, and Nushack and never be made fun of and called Penis, C*nt, and Nutsack by anyone. The boys were probably smart to trio up, because while they were out fishing, the girls got to talking and sufficed that the men were talking about them and how to get rid of them, so the girls decided to team up as a trio of their own. And, I didn’t find it ironic at all that the lesbian in the group is the one who thinks that girls work better together. I think someone should tell her how the real world actually works. I don’t know ANY woman who has more girl friends than she does guy friends. Unless this girl is married, and even then it’s like 60% of them. It just doesn’t happen. Women hate other women. It’s just natural. Of course, women don’t realize why this is, and think it has something to do with women being judgmental, b*tchy, moody, irresponsible, irrational, and whatever other word they can use to describe themselves, but the fact of the matter is that it’s true. Women hate women, but also hate men. Just a little less than they do other women. So, whatever her name is on the Kalabaw tribe, she’s in for a treat.

Let’s head on back over to Matsing and see just how bored they still are over there. Come on, Probst, throw a t*tty or two over on their beach. Give them something. Malcolm goes all philosophically smart on us, pegging Russell as completely unaware of himself, Russell figures out that he’s the one going if they lose because neither Malcolm or Denise have come over and talked to him about what they’re going to do if they do, in fact, lose, and Russell tells us that we’re laughing at his stupid @ss for walking past the idol 6,341 times without ever realizing it. What else do you have to do while you are there? I would think that I’d poke around at that emblem on the top of the rice bucket just out of boredom, let alone the fact that I have a clue that is telling me the idol is somewhere on our beach, right under my nose. The least he could have done was throw the bucket out of anger and the piece could have come off on his own, and found it that way. We know he’s got a little bit of an anger problem, so this isn’t that far from likely a scenario.