SURVIVOR: PHILIPPINES – 9/27/12

Round 2. Let’s get right to it, shall we? The show starts off at the Matsing tribe (Russell’s tribe), with Russell, himself, talking up how he almost lost his game on day one by reverting back to the very style of play he swore he wouldn’t go back to after it failed him the first time around. However, I’d like to personally remind Russell that being the “chief” last time around didn’t fail him, your body did. Remember, you passed out during a challenge, almost died in front of a television camera crew, which would have probably put a halt to production, therefore rendering the season untelevised. It would have been the second most unfortunate untelevised reality show season in history, ranked after I Love Money season 3, which never aired on VH1 after the person who reportedly won (Ryan Jenkins) went homocidal (and then suicidal) killing some chick he was banging, and then hanging himself in some hotel in Canada. At least that is how I remember it. I could google it, but I think I remember him chopping the chick up and dumping her remains in some trash can in a park or something. Nice guy. Come on, dude, you just won all that money on the show, you shouldn’t need to go kill someone, just pay someone else to do it!! Apparently, VH1 thought it was such bad publicity, therefore they never released the tapes. But, I digress. Point is, Russell, you didn’t lose last time around because you played the chief role so piss-poorly, you lost because you nearly died during a competition because you weren’t drinking any water from the coconuts. Lesson learned, I hope.

Then, we find out that Malcolm is “booty blind” and snuggling with Angie at night, you know, because it’s cold and all. It is extremely cold in my house right now, and the only thing I got snuggled up with me is a dachshund named Dozer and a beagle named Griffey, who both put together smell something like my daughters old diapers and yogurt made out of rat jizz. I think I need to go on Survivor, so girls like Angie can snuggle up against me at night! Truth be told (before my wife goes all ape gorilla on me about writing about Angie), I don’t like people snuggling on me at night. I don’t like being TOO warm. It’s the same as being too cold. But, with that said, I’m sure I’d make an exception. For my wife, @ssholes! Not Angie! See what I did there!! Oh, and Angie, by “nothing is going on,” do you mean his fingers warming your vaginal crease is a form of “nothing?” I don’t know about you, but moaning doesn’t tend to be a way of expressing oneself while only cuddling! If I were Malcolm, I’d just let one of my fingers slip, followed by my penis! Ultimate warmth.

Speaking of tan dongs, over at Tan Dong camp, RC finds the clue in the rice while Small Wonder is hovering over her shoulder. Seriously, who hovers over someone when they’re digging into a rice bucket? You need to supervise their arm so they don’t go elbow deep in the rice bucket? Anyway, Punky Brewster is too dense to notice RC stuffing something in her hand that wasn’t rice and walks away. So, what exactly were you waiting nearby for? So, after Hot Lips Houlihan leaves off to do whatever it is she is going to do for the day, Abi comes around the corner and sees RC with something in her hands and RC quickly tells her she’ll meet her near the well. RC tells Abi that she found the clue and wants to just keep it between the two of them, not telling Mike or the other guy in their alliance. Abi tells us she was just lucky to “catch” RC finding the clue, because she doesn’t trust that she would have told her otherwise. And, you’re probably right, Sweet @ss. Apparently, Abi is extremely paranoid and even just seeing Sweet T*ts talking to other people makes her feel as if she can’t trust her. I don’t know, Abi, but when she’s talking to Mike, it should be ok, because after all, he is in the same alliance with you and RC! Eventually, the A confronts the T about her paranoia, telling her that she doesn’t like her talking to Mike and that if she catches her doing it again, she’s going to gut her like a pig, the same way she would back in Brazil, to her teammate, after losing a soccer or sand volleyball match. I don’t know about you, A, but when you tell a friend, “I’m your friend, but if you f*ck me, you’re dead” is no way to strengthen a 3-day old relationship!! My guess is that the T is going to take the A out of T&A pretty soon. But, that’s ok, I’m more of an A man, myself. Although, if we’re talking about the actual people I’m referencing here, I’d probably go with T on this one. Us men don’t like them crazy b*tches. Those are the type of girls we give fake names to and never let them see where we live.