We finally get to Tribal, after every minute of this show seemed like a knife poking my skin, and we find Jeff Probst in a bright, no-doubt-it’s-green shirt. I think he’s wearing the green shirt to symbolize just how bored he is with this season. It’s a type of protest from him. He also takes this time to jump on the bash Christina train ride this season has taken up. Although, when he does, he somewhat has the right. It is slightly ridiculous of her to not even have tried to sway the vote. Yes, it may not have worked, but you have to try, right? Well, not Christina. She just wanted to relax and have a nice last day on the island. I guess that’s her prerogative and we can’t be too mad at her, but she’s still an idiot so we can be mad at her for that, I guess. And, for her having wasted our time the past 3 months watching her.
Christina got voted out and you could tell Jeff wanted to crack her across the face with his snuffer after putting out her torch. “Here you go, b*tch, one for the road!” Maybe he will do parodies of the show on The Jeff Probst Talk Show once that comes out. I’d love it if he did a segment where he played out scenes the way he wishes he could but can’t because he’d go to jail if he did. I may actually watch the show if it were going to be something along those lines. Otherwise, I can’t see him being a great talk show host. Fail on that one Jeff. Either that, or have me on the show…one of the two.
We are now down to the final three. It’s Sabrina, who is up first with her heartfelt scene where she cries about how she loves her job and how she wanted to teach kids nobody else wanted to teach. I have news for you, Sabrina, nobody wants to teach any kid! Have you seen these kids these days? I am worried about our future with the way these kids act these days. God help us all. But, anyway, she also tells us that she was laid off from her job two weeks before filming started. Ok, if that’s the case, then why do they still call you a “High School Teacher” as your profession? Shouldn’t it say “Unemployed” or “Ex-High School Teacher?” I realize that may be harsh, but why lie to us like that, CBS? I don’t like being lied to. Especially on a reality TV show where we are expecting to be told the truth 100% of the time! Come on now.
Next, we get Chelsea. Sorry, Chels, but the money IS THE PRIZE! I understand how people make friends on these shows and all that, but the reason people lose is because they start thinking that the friendships they make on some stupid reality television show are worth more than the monetary prize at the end! Chelsea…it’s ONE MILLION F*CKING DOLLARS! Kim is NOT THAT SPECIAL! You can meet friends going to the damn grocery store. Hell, when I was in college, I met someone on the El train, who I saw just about every other morning. We’d talk on our 15-20 minute ride together and that was the highlight of my day most days, but I would have pulled the emergency brake on that train, kicked him in the balls, opened the emergency exit window, and thrown his ass out of the train and watched him fall 50+ feet to the ground if it meant I had a better chance at winning ONE MILLION F*CKING DOLLARS! I can find a new friend. I’m pretty sure $1 million would buy me quite a few friends. Celebrity friends. Other rich friends. Playmates. All of those options sound more tantalizing than Kim, the bridal shop owner from 15 states over, who I may now see once or twice a year for the next two years before I realize she’s not really my friend anymore.
And, lastly, we have Kim, the bridal shop owner, who tells us she recently went through that divorce I told you about and how she got through her emotions regarding that divorce while out on the island, playing Survivor. Far be it for me to make fun of that, so congratulations on working through your problems, Kim. You are probably the first person in American history to actually work through a problem on a reality show, rather than garnering 20 other issues in life because of said reality show. Although, with money comes issues, so let’s hope you stay on the narrow. Assuming you do win, of course.
We head off to the final Tribal, where the girls get to plead their cases to the jury. Chelsea is up first and awkwardly asks if she can stand up while Jeff truly contemplates if he could get away with throwing a burning log at her face. Just stand up. Jeff’s not going to tell you no. Anyway, her statement is pointless. If anything, she made more of a case for everyone to vote for her lesbian love, Kim. She basically told everyone that she’s a b*tch, hated them while on the show, didn’t care about their feelings, and sat back as Kim told her who to vote off and didn’t want to become friends with any of them so she was then ok with voting them off. Yeah, that’ll win over a vote or two.
I don’t even think I paid attention to what Kim said. I most definitely didn’t take any notes. She already won. She probably could have stood up, took her shorts down, squatted, and pissed on each of their feet and still got everyone’s vote.
Sabrina also made a case for Kim to win. Oh yes, Sabrina, telling everyone it was your plan to suck in the competitions and around camp is definitely going to win them over. And, I’m sure telling everyone that Kim was the one who made all the decisions and you just went along with them worked well, too. When are we going to get the person who will just flat-out lie to the jury? If I were Sabrina, I would have been like, “Everything was my idea. I’m sure everyone thinks Kim and Chelsea were on top, but this entire season they were coming to me for validation, and I would tell them what our next move was and when we were going to do this and that. Don’t listen to whatever they want to tell you about how they ran the show. They’re licking each other’s vaginas, so of course they’re going to say it was them all along, but it was me. I’m the Queen B*tch here, f*ck all ya’ll country asses, it was me who voted you all out. Piss on that, you skinny b*tches.” Try something. Anything would have worked better than “I planned on sucking. I sucked. I’m still here. Vote for me. Oh, and I lost my job two weeks before we came here.” You can’t play the sympathy card 10 minutes before everyone votes. You should have told them you got fired way back on day 1.
Next up, we get the questions from the Jury members. Jonas takes his time to hit on Chelsea, calling her cute and that all the guys agree that she was the prettiest girl on the show. I laughed a little when Kim took a bit of offense to that comment. Really, Kim, you thought you stood a chance? I’m pretty sure I’d take my chances with Tarzan’s wife before I did you. Ok, now that’s just being mean. To both of the girls, because I’m lying, but you get what I’m saying. Kim, you weren’t even top 5 on this season. From memory (I forgot the name of that girl I liked way back in the first episode, who broke her hand or whatever, but she’s ahead of Kim, but I’m too lazy to go look up her name, so just count Kim back one spot), it goes: Chelsea, Kat, Christina, Monica, Alicia. So, if anything you are 7th, Kim. Maybe even 8th because I actually think Sabrina may be cuter than you. So, don’t be surprised when guys tell you that the girl with the pretty face and fake boobs, who remained pretty even after being muddied up for 39 days, is prettier than you are! Sorry, I’m not trying to be mean, but some people just need to be told the truth sometimes.
Love reading your recaps.
Re: Alicia’s blurred ass – My husband said, “Surely her bush isn’t so overgrown after 30 days that they need to blur it out??” hahahaha I’m not sure what they are blurring out but almost immediately after he said that, there was a shot of Alicia back at camp and she had her hands on her hips (I presume) and for a second you could see the hairiest arm pit I have ever seen on a woman. I had to rewind it twice to believe what I was seeing.
Anyway, that’s disgusting that Colton will be allowed back on tv. I think he and Alicia should be shamed for their behavior. Alicia is a nasty, delusional, selfish woman. I would never trust her with a child, especially one with special needs. She seems like the type of person that would berate and abuse people left in her care.
And am I the only one that remembers Alicia and Colton calling Christina a roach, etc.?? When did Alicia and Christina partner up? I know it’s a way late to point this out, but I couldn’t remember my damn login for WordPress and was too lazy to look it up to comment until now. 😉
Looking forward to your recaps for next season! And hopefully it will be a more interesting group of people.
Yeah, I take issue with the whole Alicia/Christina teaming up, too. Christina was completely involved in the early season bashing of Christina, but you have to remember Christina is the same girl who was rubbing Colton’s head the same night after he called her all those nasty names, because of his “stomach” issues he was having.
As for her armpit, I am 1,000% happy I did not notice that. I was probably busy writing something down when it glanced on the screen! That is nasty…I’m guessing it is because of her “bush” and if that’s the case, then yes thank you for blurring it, CBS. I will NOT be purchasing that DVD…
I really hope one of the returning players next season is Mike Skupin from season 2. The first player ever to be evacuated. He was supposed to play against Coach in the South Pacific season, but he has a death in the family and they put Ozzy in his place. No one is more deserving than Mike for a second chance. Every one from his season said that he would have won if he hadn’t fallen into the fire.
Ok, so I only watched the first hour. The series finale of Desparate Housewives was more important and I was DVRing Sister Wives. The season was boring and I knew Kim was going to win. Pointless to watch. Too bad I love survivor. I agree that I probably hated Kim just because I knew she was winning. Catch you back on Big Brother.
I wish I could have shut the finale off after the first few minutes. I’m surprised you even made it the full hour!
Now come one Scott you’re really not going to comment on the moment when Jeff directed a question to Matt about giving up immunity only to have Matt respond by telling him that happened AFTER he was voted off? I know how much you love Probst (as we all do) but really? Who set that question up without fact checking?
Did I hear there are going to be three tribes next season? Hmmm, are they going to be smaller tribes or more players? I was excited to see how the whole “one world” thing was going to play out, and CBS managed to make that boring (they should NOT have merged tribes and NOT made it men against women). I’m pretty sure they will find a way to make three tribes as unexciting as possible.
Thanks Scott for a great season of sarcastic, snarky, recaps which always made my Thursday and Fridays at work a bit more bearable! And the missing has begun…
Lots to comment and I’ll try not to forget, but like you Scott, my brain thinks too fast and I forget things I wanted to say…
1) I think after seeing the girls “done up”, Kat was actually really pretty and I gained a lot of respect for her w/ her speech to the jury. Finally a player who votes on who DESERVES to win and not who they aren’t mad at. Agree about Monica, she’s also very pretty!!
2) Lost respect when Troyzan voted Sabrina. I liked him at times, not anymore. That girl didn’t do anything, said she lost challenges on purpose, which is not the case, she just sucked and she knows it. She was the worst challenge player maybe ever.
3) Why does Colton need to come back? I think CBS should ban him after the awful things he said. Bill put it best by saying some of the things he said like get a real job, etc. could have been game, but saying he should kill himseld and ghetto trash were not. I LOVE the idea of bringing back people who left for medical reasons, but not Colton.
4) I gained respect for Kim telling Christina she was going home that night. I get the girl did nothing to try and stay, but I kinda got her point. There was no way she was going to stay. None what so ever.
5) Thought it was interesting Jeff asked audience to compare Colton and Russell Hantz and everyone said NO. Nothing Russell did/said was like what Colton said/did. Russell was one of the best to ever play (besides Boston Rob) and glad at least audience sees it since the people who play the game are too stupid to see Russell should have won his season.
6) What if they pair up people and have them voted off as pairs? Bring back duos who played “together” (ex. Kim/Chelsea, Boston Rob/Amber, etc.) I can’t think of any more, but know there’s tons. They win immunity as pairs. I think that’s interesting and nothing that they’ve done.
I think that’s it. Oh, one last thing, people actually voted KIM as their favorite of season? Sorry, but Tarzan was by far the most hilarious person on the show. I obviously did not vote, but KIM really? Althought she was the most deserving of the 3 of them, she is not a favorite of mine at all. She’s boring!!!
giget, I think I was out of it by that point and just didn’t even bother writing anything down. What I DID forget and am upset I forgot (and wanted to get on Jeff about) was when he did two things at the second-to-last immunity when Alicia was untying the knots and he told her that she didn’t need to untie the ones she was doing. So what, Jeff, let her screw up if she has to. Since when do you get involved with what is going on and try and help the contestants? I’m SOOOOO mad I missed this in my blog, because I wanted to rip on him for that. Also, secondly, when Kim was catching up, he was like “Come on, girl!!” What??? Playing favorites much?
Also, Jack, just one comment in regards to Kat. Yes, I gained respect for her, but this is another thing I thought about and changed my mind on. Since when did Kat think that way? No way in hell was that HER speech she wrote. It was just the night before when she was calling those girls b*tches and rolling her eyes, sounding all spiteful, and then the very next day she had this epiphany? I don’t buy it.
Oh, and no doubt Colton never needs to show his face on TV again. These people are better people than I, because, I would have had a tirade all cued up to spout off once Jeff asked me to speak in regards to Colton and his fat, ugly face…
Great recap, Scott. I like the fact your recaps are well-written and coming from the perspective of a fan of the show. Unlike other recaps on this site…
Here’s a few thoughts on the finale and all your comments:
-The whole blurred thing is just a Standards & Practices thing since it’s shown at 8pm on CBS. The only thing they’re blurring is Alicia fat underbooty sticking out of her chonies. They could probably get away with it, but there are kids watching. You’d think by now the show would provide some booty shorts the girls could wear.
-And I never got why Alicia thought she was so powerful. Is she that delusional? Maybe she is if she thinks she’s a compassionate person who works as an educator. Very disgusting behavior all season. Look, I understand when you’re in your ITMs, the show tells you to “spice it up” a little. Makes for good TV, right? But do these idiots understand that MILLIONS of people watch each episode? Unreal that she (and more specifically, Colton) think they’re living in a bubble.
-Can’t understand why Kim would not take Christina (who also got hotter as time passed) to the final. Doesn’t matter now, but in my eyes Kim was not a smart player in that regard. I seriously thought going in to the reunion show that there could be at least 3 votes for each woman.
-Chelsea gets hotter each week. No booty shorts for her, please…
-Such a letdown there was no major drama in the final questions. This is your LAST CHANCE for drama and you puss out like that? Alicia was the nastiest, but her “question” was more of her being delusional, so it just made her look crazier. Kat could have gone off, but took the high road. You’d think Troyzan may have something up his sleeve, but nope. Jonas, Mike, Tarzan, Jay, Christina, Leif…nothing. Of course Leif had nothing, he had nothing all season. It’s just a little disappointing that the season culminated in that.
-Reunion Show: Another disappointment. Is Jeff Probst unprepared, or dumb? At least he seemed to grill Colton a little. Nothing from Kourtney, or Nina? Not even a check-in on her wrist? And what’s with the guy in the audience saying he thought Colton was playing a character on the show? I thought this was reality TV? Shouldn’t he be playing Colton?
-Lastly, I will be truly disappointed if CBS brings Colton back. Based on how fat he looked, either he wasn’t on the show (which has already wrapped) or he didn’t last long. Let’s hope he fades away and we never see that piece of turd again.
-And as much as I dislike him, I also think Russel was just as bad with his misogynist views on women. If you’re going to be a villain, be an arrogant one (like Richard Hatch). It’s one thing to think you’re better than others, it’s another thing to think others are beneath you because of race/gender/religion/etc…
Enjoy your summer, Scott. Looking forward to next season. Like you, I’ll be the guy hoping for his chance to be on the show…