SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD – 5/3/12

And, wouldn’t you know it, the family-intercourse-having cousins win the reward and she turns around and picks Kim and Alicia. Even Probst doesn’t get her decision since she was so pissed off at Kim for not picking her on the last reward. She justifies her decision in the idiotic way we would assume she would, saying she wanted to get drunk, give her “cousin” a blowjob, and spend time with the other two girls, on a friendship level.

At the reward, Kim tells her sister that the three of them at the reward now would probably be the best Final 3 pairing for her, if she wanted to win. Her sister has been around Kat and Alicia for less than 3 minutes and already knows those two are stupid enough that Kim is right, and she would easily win the game if it ended up that way. Kim goes as far to point out that Kat would be on one of those shows, if she won the million, where she ended up talking about how she didn’t know where all the money went and that she would blow right through it. She’s definitely right, too. Although, in anyone’s defense, winning a million dollars means you have any and every right to blow it on whatever the hell you want. Yes, people are idiots for blowing through millions of dollars, but if that’s what they wanted to do with the money, that’s what they wanted to do! Nobody can say they wouldn’t have done the same thing just because they think they’d be smart with the money. But, in all honesty, Kat would use that million dollars to start her own reality show with her cousin, Robby, and start pumping out the inbred children, 19 Kids & Counting style!

Back at camp, Sabrina and Chelsea are bitter that Kat won and decide it’s time for her to go home. She found some way on an island filled with nothing to be selfish the entire game. This is how women are; one thing happens and then they start to pretend like that’s how that person has been the entire time they’ve known them. Over exaggeration: what women do best! I don’t know how Kat has been selfish the WHOLE game? Does she hog the blankets at night and only keep them for herself? Does she take three swigs from the coconut when everyone is only allowed two? Did she bathe in the entire ocean and not allow anyone else in at the same time? Sure, girls, she’s probably been completely selfish this entire game and only done things to benefit herself, so it’s time to vote her out! Leave it to Sh*tty Speedo to try and talk some sense into them, saying that it’s a dumb idea because there is no way she can win the game, but even Tarzan knew he was talking to dead air because once women have their minds made up, it’s over with. It was at this point where we had to know Kat was going home. At least she wouldn’t contract appendicitis before leaving like she feared.

We move to the Immunity Challenge, where hold the damn payphone, they actually came up with a NEW competition! I feel like we need to celebrate this fact. If it wasn’t so late at night when I was watching, maybe I would have called someone. The mayor of my hometown or something. I feel like something needed to be done and me simply just pumping my fist to silent air and an empty family room just wasn’t enough. Congratulations, Survivor, you are being creative. Gold star for you.

I think my favorite part of the competition was when Chelsea said “I can’t do this, my fingers are slipping.” And, then like ten seconds later, she’s like “Oh ok” and then jumps into the water! Why not wait until your fingers ACTUALLY SLIP?!?!?!? You know, where you are trying to win a competition and end up losing because you just can’t do it any longer or your body gives out? I know I say it all the time, but seriously, find people who WANT to win $1 million!! Every year, there are never competitors in this game who just fight and fight until they can’t fight anymore. They’re just there to be on TV, hang out with halfway decent, halfway naked chicks, and meet Jeff Probst. If they win the money, so be it. If your fingers hurt, you’ll be ok, you can hang on for a little while longer. I once broke my hand in the middle of a basketball game I was playing. I was playing at my friends house, with 3 other people. The game meant nothing to anyone playing. I continued playing that game even though every time I caught the ball, it sent shooting pains through my entire body. Hell, I even hit the game winning shot. And, then I went to the doctor…1 week later! I remember tying a pencil to my finger to keep it straight because of the pain and finally succumbed to going to the doctor to having it checked out when the pain never seemed to subside. Can you imagine the kind of pain I’d let my body endure if I had a chance at $1 million?!? And, here are these idiots just jumping out of the competition because they feel like they MIGHT be slipping!! Whatever, tough, again I digress.

One thing I’ve always wished they would do during these competitions is show us the conversations the people who are out of the competition are having! Seriously, can you imagine how bored they are just sitting on that pier for over an hour, watching people just hang from their handles? It’s not like anything else is going on. They can’t just get up and walk around, go watch TV, or anything like that. They have to sit there for as long as the competition goes on. What do they do? What do they talk about? Does Probst get annoyed enough to just start drowning some of these fools? These are the things we need to know. Nobody cares about whose fingers slip for an instant and then they regain their composure. Just show us the beginning and then the end with who wins. In between, let’s listen to these dipsh*ts have conversations about how they wish they could shave their crotch area because their bush is infected with termites and even found some shell conches in there the other day!