SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD – 5/3/12

We start off this episode with more delusional women talk. Alicia thinks Christina looks stupid every time she opens her mouth and thinks that it would then be smart to keep her in the game over Sabrina. I guess that’s not too delusional, though. It’s hard to tell anymore, because I think I’m delusional now after watching this show. Oh wait, that’s right, here comes the delusion, Alicia believes she’s in the perfect spot right now, that she’s “at the top,” and that she is controlling everything, oh, and she is the strongest player in the game! Is that all? Did Whitney Houston come visit you in your dreams and do some lines of cocaine with you? That must be the case, because I can’t remember a time where you were ever “at the top” or even somewhat strong in this game, let alone the strongest. Hell, you’re probably not even at the top of your special ed class IQ test scores.

After we go to a much needed commercial break (only 2 minutes into the show), we come back to the players receiving Tree Mail, in the form of the Sprint Evo 3D, so they can watch the videos their loved ones made for them while they were on the island. Comment of the day goes to whichever person said “I never thought Sprint could be good to me.” I have Sprint. Even if I was trapped on an island with Colton and had two choices, one to let him initiate me into being gay or two, die, and a Sprint phone turned up with a video on it, telling me I was going to be saved, I still wouldn’t like Sprint! Sprint needs to start reimbursing me all the money I’ve thrown away to their company and their piss poor service before I start thinking they are any bit decent. F*ck you, Sprint. Why don’t you fix it so I can make a phone call from my family room and don’t have to go upstairs to the kitchen and stand by the sliding door to get service in my own damn home!! You can develop a phone so everything appears 3D, but you can’t make it so my phone doesn’t freeze on me every other day to the point where I have to take the battery out and put it back in and wait 8 minutes while it reloads. Eight minutes, Sprint? What do you run on, a dial-up modem?!? It’s more frustrating than back in the day, trying to watch porn at my parents house, when every 30 seconds the video would be buffering and all I wanted to do was watch a full scene but couldn’t because my damn brother would keep picking up the phone and cutting off my AOL. Karma is a b*tch, ain’t it big bro? Hope you’re enjoying prison. Although, in his defense, they get all the porn they want in prison, apparently. I would know, because the last time he sent me a letter, there were four torn out pictures from a Penthouse inside. My tax dollars at work, ladies and gentleman, keeping inmates horned up at the cost of 22.343% of my salary!

Anyway, I digress. I will get back to Survivor. I will give kudos to Sabrina for mentioning that Tarzan needed to see his wife more than anyone else (outside of Christina and her dying father) and she hoped that whoever won wasn’t being selfish and would allow those two time with their family members. Bravo, Sabrina. You earned a few points back from me for that one.

Also, my wife made the point that she was surprised that nobody else on this show had a “significant other” come see them. My reaction to her was “Seriously?” Have you not been watching this season? I can see exactly why none of these women have significant others in their lives. If anyone, maybe Chelsea could have a boyfriend, but probably not serious enough to come to the island over her dad.

Speaking of Chelsea, when was she ever the “tough girl?” I never got that vibe from her at all this season. Why, because she wasn’t off crying behind some bush, pretending to be squatting down and peeing, I’m supposed to think she’s tough?

And, WHAT….THE….F*CK was Kat doing, crawling on the ground to go meet her “cousin?” Seriously, I know some families are close, but who crawls on the ground to meet their opposite sex cousin and then jumps into their arms and wraps their legs around their waste the way she did?!? And, I swear their faces got a little too close for comfort about 27 times, as if they were about to kiss, and then they remembered that the rest of America is grossed out by incest and they didn’t go through with it! What was going on there? All the mumbling, touching, poking each other, hugging? No way those two are ONLY cousins. They may be legitimate cousins, but they’re definitely banging on the side. Who works, lives, and does everything with their cousin? I’m a little worried for what those kids are going to turn out like. Incest babies usually bring about physical and mental handicaps…and Kat’s already handicapped enough!