SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD – 4/12/12

Kim has a jam session with a few of the girls about how Troyzan or Jay needs to be the next to go, whichever one doesn’t win immunity. It’s at this point where Production tells Chelsea to voice dissent over the plan and how she feels bad voting them out because she looked them both in the eye and told them they could trust her 100%. Please. She had no problem voting out Mike and screwing Jay and Troyzan over, lying to them about the reason why they were voting them out, yet now you want me to believe you care about voting one of them out? Ok. As if I don’t know CBS just doesn’t always have this portion of the episode where they make you think someone is going to waver on who to vote out so there is some sort of drama behind it all. There is no drama. Either Jay or Troyzan will be going home. Troyzan has an Idol, therefore one would have to assume it will be Jay-bird and his high pitched tweety bird voice.

Troyzan and Jay talk about how worried they are about the girls voting out only the guys and how it needs to be a girl this week, and that it needs to be Christina or Alicia. This conversation is exactly why they are imbeciles. If they are so worried about the girls flipping on them and worried that it needs to be a girl this week, why vote off one of the girls who seems not to be in that main girls alliance? Why not use Alicia & Christina’s vote to vote out one of the main 4 girls? If Jay is only interested in going to the finals with Kim and Chelsea, why not approach Tarzan, Leif, Alicia, and Christina about voting out, say, Sabrina. Or Kat. Although, out of those two, I’d want Sabrina gone more, even though she proved she can’t even take a piss without sh*tting herself and her bathroom floor. If the boys were so easily agreeable to vote out Mike (a member of their alliance), why shouldn’t they go after one of the girls alliance members. Why can’t they see through the girls “plan” to send Mike home? Can people really be this stupid? I highly doubt Tarzan, Leif, and Christina would take up issue with voting out Sabrina. Or, if they wanted Kat, so be it, one less girl. Jay, Troyzan, Tarzan, Leif, Christina and Alicia make 6 votes. To the girls 4. I know it may not work out that perfectly, but it’s something that needed to be thought about. But, I’m willing to bet neither of the two dipsh*ts up for being voted out ever did think about it.

After those two talk, Jay goes and tells Kat that it NEEDS to be Alicia. He is the worst. The way he approaches the girls and talks about how, “Oh, we voted out two of our guys the past two weeks, it’s only fair if you girls vote out one of your own this week,” Uh, hello, this isn’t elementary school, on the playground, where the teacher makes everyone takes turns on the swings. No, it’s a game for $1 million, do you think anyone is going to care about what’s fair? You truly deserve to go home. Someone load my shotgun because I’m blowing this bird to sh*t.

Kim goes and tells Alicia about the plan (to vote her out) and about how she’s completely safe and to just play along if she hears anything and not to lose her cool. Troyzan sees these two talking on the beach and wonders what it is they could be talking about. Maybe they were talking about how pretty the water looked at sunset. No, assmonkey, they were talking about the plan to vote you the f*ck out. Dust off that light bulb in your head and let it turn on for the first time in several years.

We head on over to the Immunity challenge, where we see that the CBS head honchos got enough of a rise out of Probst to get out of bed to show up for this one. We also find out that they don’t even care to try and come up with anything new and exciting. They’re just going to hold onto a string tied to a bucket and once their hand drops, they’re out and they get doused with pretty, colored water (like it couldn’t just be regular water – do you think they hired a PA just for the job of coloring the water before challenges? Maybe this is a Bobby Petrino type scandal where Jeff Probst is banging some 25 year old ex-volleyball player/wannabe model and he’s now paying her to work for CBS/Survivor so he can continue to bang her while he’s away in Samoa or wherever the hell they are – these are things we need to know about).

And, before Probst even counts down to the start of the game, Tarzan is out. Why don’t you at least wait until the first temptation comes? Hell, Christina goes out right after him and also right before the first temptation comes out. Sabrina leaves for cookies and milk and all I can think about is the classic Bernie Mac line “You want some milk and cookies?” Side note, if you enjoy funny sh*t, and you haven’t seen The Original Kings of Comedy, go out and see it. Fast forward through DL Hughley and you’ll love it even more. I still think that the movie would have been MUCH better had DL Hughley hosted and Steve Harvey done a standup routine. Since we’re talking about standup comedy, if you haven’t seen Eddie Murphy “Delirious,” I am officially not your friend. That standup changed my life. I’m dead serious.

Anyway, I feel like my tangents are better than the recap. Does anyone even care for me to recap what happened in the challenge? Alicia made it perfectly clear to the guys that she knows about their plan and she feels 100% safe. She did that by saying “I could last long…” but she wants the food instead. She wants to give Chelsea the win. Uh, did you hear that Jay and Troyzan? She could last all day and win this immunity, but she feels safe enough to hop on down and eat some stupid candy. Oh, and she didn’t even know what the temptation was. So, she felt completely safe that she didn’t even care to know what the food item was, she was just going to take it. And, you still want to believe they’re voting her out? These people on the show aren’t smart enough to hide their thoughts in their actions. Take what you see for what it is. Alicia knows she’s not going home, your plan/alliance with the girls is over. Start scrambling. Immediately.