SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD – 4/12/12

My favorite night of the week is back. Wednesday’s and Survivor. This season has been pretty lackluster in every department, but I will say that this episode had a little more substance to it. Dare I say I may have even liked the episode. Ok, let’s not go that far. I still got pissed off at how stupid these people are, but that’s pretty much how I am as a person; nothing against the show, I guess. Let’s see what these idiots got themselves into this time around…

The show starts off with Tarzan breaking it down to Troyzan what should be obvious to Troyzan, but he’s too f*cking stupid to see, and that’s that the girls have won this game. He tells Troyzan (I still can’t believe I have to write the names Tarzan and Troyzan and be semi-serious when I do so; what grown man wants to be known by Tarzan and/or Troyzan?!?) that the guys just fell apart and the girls took over. The guys lost this game just as much as the girls won it. We can thank Colton for that one. Jackass.

After we come back from the first commercial, we find out that even Jeff Probst doesn’t give enough of a sh*t about this season when he doesn’t even bother to show up for the Reward challenge and they give the tribe a do-it-yourself, ladderball challenge. Can’t you just see Jeff at the Production “camp,” saying “Ah, f*ck this, is it really my turn to go see those a-holes again? I don’t think I can take it anymore. Can’t CBS just cancel this crap show already so I can become a morning talk show host or something?” Anyway, they hate the contestants so much that they only let each of them have one throw in the game. Seriously? You couldn’t make the game a bit longer by letting each person get two throws? And, what the hell kind of a throw was Sabrina’s attempt at getting 5 points? For what it’s worth, when they were showing the structure in the beginning, I only saw it go up to 4 points, so I kind of think the game was over and they just told her to say there was a 5 point level to make that sad attempt at winning worth sticking around for. If the 5 point level was all the way at the top of the structure, tell me why she didn’t even throw the balls-on-a-rope higher than the 1 point level? Hell, she didn’t even make it all the way to the post. Some people just aren’t cut out for activity whatsoever. She probably has trouble walking. She probably can’t even pee correctly. From that effort there, I’m guessing she sees the toilet bowl and turns to sit on it, but misses by 3 feet and ends up falling on her ass in between the toilet and the tub every time. But, she probably still follows through with the peeing and just lets it go onto the floor. She’ll probably win $1 million for it, too.

Also, Troyzan proves to us that it’s not easy being the host of these shows. He was about as bad as Steve Jones was on X Factor. I still can’t imagine Simon Cowell hired that idiot after seeing him in action. My guess is they had someone else slotted to be the host and they quit at the last moment and they had to just go with the Counting Crows’ Mr. Jones. I know Nicole was supposed to be a host, too, but good thing that never happened. She was bad enough as a judge. It’s a good thing she’s pretty. Anyway, this is just another way of saying how great Probst is as a host. You’re too good for Survivor, Jeff. The show sucks now. Hell, some people are watching just to continue seeing you in your blue shirts. Throw them a curveball, Jeff, chuck on a green shirt. Or, make it blueish-green so that people can’t tell and that’s all we have to talk about the next day: “Was the shirt green?” I could post a 3,000 word essay on that. It’s better than 3,000 words of Leif sleeping in a sardine can and Tarzan wearing a damn banana hammock! Can’t someone get him to cover that thing up?

At the reward, the most enticing bit that came out of my mind was the wonderment of whether or not CBS pays the island natives for shuttling the cast around in those boats and then cooking them a meal? Is the meal their payment? Do they give them jobs at CBS for the next season of Survivor? Perhaps these are the people who cast the show and the reason why they’ve been sucking lately. Oh, and if anyone cared about the game talk, Jay kept running his mouth to the girls about how they could flip on them if they wanted to. Good job, asshat, why don’t you just continue to put the idea in their heads. Of course, they already have the idea, but each time you talk about it, you just make it easier and easier for them to form the plan and actually pull it off. Women have messed up brains, Jay. If you even just talk to them about something, they’ll end up considering it confirmation. They will justify their actions by saying that you said it was ok for them to flip on you. Just let it go. Talk to Troyzan about it. Talk to Leif. Maybe even Tarzan. But, don’t go up to one of the girls you suspect may flip on you and tell them all about how they can flip on you! It was at this point in the show where I started hoping Jay would go home. Fly away Jay-bird. This way I can shoot you in the wing on the way up!