SURVIVOR – 3/29/12

So, the tribe came up with a new name for themselves. Troyzan brings up Tikiano and I’m pretty sure everyone else just went along with it because they’re either too stupid to come up with anything “tribal” or just too damn tired to even care at this point. But, I find it hilarious that he puts the two words “tiki” and “ano” together, because they mean “god” and “year.” First off, “tiki” does not mean god. Unless it’s in some other language than what I’m thinking he is deriving the word from. But, in Hawaiian culture, they are Tiki gods. The tiki’s represent the gods. If anything, the word tiki would be statue, more than god. But, I’m no expert in Hawaiian culture, but I do believe that the word tiki does not mean god. And, ano does mean year…in Spanish!! So, he’s taking two words from two different languages, forming them as one and thinking that would designate this the “Year of the gods?” Brilliant. I grow more and more jealous of these people’s ineptitude by the day.

After that brilliance shined through, we got the brilliant Dr. Tarzan telling us he knew the guys weren’t with him anymore all because he couldn’t drink the coffee that Jay was making. I get it that in the game of Survivor you would be paranoid up the wazoo, and would overanalyze every little thing that happened, but come on, you think that the alliance that never existed in the first place is now dead because Jay wouldn’t share the coffee with you? No, dipsh*t, the alliance between the guys was dead when you idiots decided to split the men’s tribe into pocket alliances and then vote out one of your own after you won tribal immunity. Who in their right mind would think that all the guys would want to stick together after they agreed to vote off one of their own even when they didn’t have to?!? I’d like to know where Tarzan went to school. I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t graduate from Clown College, which hold their “classes” at the local YMCA.

We head on over to the reward challenge, where we see that the puzzle they are putting together is a turtle. I figured it might have something to do with the reward, but it didn’t. But, I will go off on a tangent here about how turtles always remind me of my wife. She loves turtles. LOVES them. All she ever wants to do in life is swim with them. And, I don’t mean in the sense where I head to Petsmart, buy three of them, throw them in a Jacuzzi and let her have at it. That wouldn’t fly. I mean in the sense of like a $5,000 trip to Hawaii where she can swim with them in the ocean while I piss myself waiting for a shark to come eat me in the ocean. Although, while sitting on the couch watching this season of Survivor, I’m thinking getting eaten by a shark may not be a bad thing as long as it gets me out of watching this show!! Anyway, I’ll continue on where this diatribe was going. Turtles are the WORST pets. Ever. I’m not even sure why my wife likes them anymore after the time we spent with our pet turtle. That bastard was the stupidest, most boring animal I’ve ever seen in my life. He never moved. We would put him in the water and he wouldn’t swim. We’d take him out of his tank, put him on our carpet and he’d take something like three steps and then just stand there. I’m convinced he never took a piss or a sh*t in his life, either. He was just there. I don’t even remember his name and that’s saying something because I can name all of the gerbils and hamsters I had when I was 7, yet I can’t remember the name of this idiot turtle we had just 6 or 7 years ago. So, I guess the moral of this paragraph is don’t buy a turtle. And, don’t spend $5,000 on a trip to Hawaii to go swim with any, because chances are they don’t even really swim. They’ll just sit there and look the kind of pretty that you feel ugly things are.

As it goes for the show, one of the two teams wins the reward. I didn’t even take the time to write down the six people on that team. All I know is that I think I’d be pretty pissed at Survivor for these rewards. Seriously, you make millions of dollars every season on advertising and you only spring for a pizza and some beer? Or ice cream? Or popcorn? Or crackers and cheese? Come on now, cook me a f*cking steak, at least. I don’t care if it’s flank steak or filet, give me something good to eat, with some fried chicken, or some fancy chef from France to come in and cook me a rabbit he catches on the island. Step your game up, Survivor. Yes, I know after 20 days of not eating, I’d eat pizza covered in Tarzan’s sh*tty drawers, but still, it’s the principle. F*ck a piece of fruit and some champagne, I’ll take a fluffy omelet and some pancakes from IHOP if you still wanted to go “cheap.”