Well, why don’t we skip all that and just head on over to the Immunity Challenge, where lo and behold, the great communicator’s (the women) struggle at the communication part of the challenge. The guys get off to a blazing start and have, what seems to be, a major lead on the girls. I believe Bill started the puzzle while the girls were still searching for their third of five bags. Obviously, the editing could have made it seem like it took them longer than it did to get those final bags, but this is why I ALWAYS say that puzzle challenges are the worst, because it NEVER matters who has a lead going into the puzzle, because all people have to do is get lucky and find those puzzle piece connectors and they’re caught right back up. I won’t b*tch about this challenge, because Survivor has always had puzzle challenges, no matter what the tribes look like. But, the fact that Bill wanted to take his dandy ass time is beyond me. This is the same issue I have with every season and every challenge. If I have 10 pieces to a puzzle and there are 10 spots to put those pieces, I am going to pick up one piece and turn it every which way as fast as I possibly can to see if it fits in any of those 10 spots. If I can’t find that piece, I throw it down and move on to the next one in hopes that I can find that one and go back to the other one later, when there will be less places to put that piece. Seriously, why the f*ck are these people taking their time? Why lolly-gag around with each piece, thinking about whether or not it fits in that slot. I got an idea, if it isn’t clicking into place, it doesn’t f*cking fit there, dummy! Move on to the next place it can go. I need to be on one of these shows, because I feel like maybe it’s different on the set. These people have to be actors and going on some storyline, because I can’t imagine that in all the years I’ve watched, there hasn’t been one contestant who is competitive like I am and would go into these challenges looking to win or break their bodies trying. Maybe I’d think different if I were tired and hungry like they are, though. Maybe I’m not giving them enough benefit of the doubt.
Either way, dipsh*t Bill loses his lead and allows Sabrina to KILL IT at the puzzle and come back and win Immunity for the Salami tribe. No girl is going home now.
We head back to the Menudo tribe, where Colton tells “Ghetto trash” Bill to “go kill yourself.” Classy. Tarzan wants Matt gone but Colton wants Bill to go. While they were in discussions together with the other members of their alliance, Jay walks over and Colton smartly outs the alliance by saying “We’re not voting you out.” Surprisingly, Jay caught the use of the term “we” and called him out for it. Whatever happened to the days where people saw other people approaching and pretended to start talking about how they want to spank one of the girls asses or something?!? Seriously, we’re playing the game where we just tell the other alliance what our alliance is and who we are thinking about voting out? I didn’t think I could get more dumbfounded by this season (or even by this show), but they keep finding ways to impress me.
Oh, and it gets better, the guy they are discussing voting out (Matt) comes over and Tarzan straight out tells him that he is ruining their “strategy talk.” Even Colton found him saying that to be stupid and let out a frustrated laugh and made a gesture as to say to Tarzan “What the hell was that?” Smart move basically telling Matt that you are planning to vote him out. I get it that you think you have the numbers at the moment, Tarzan, but you don’t go and do stupid things like that and make yourself out to be a risky allegiance member. Aren’t you supposed to be a damn doctor or something?!? Don’t you have to go to school and learn a lot of sh*t to become a doctor, or are you old enough that when you were going to school, they were just handing out degrees to people who were intelligent enough to spell? Hell, we don’t even know if he can spell, so I guess I shouldn’t even give him that yet!
It gets even better. Matt pulls Troyzan to the side (the fact that there is a Tarzan and Troyzan on the show is just telling me that CBS is trying less and less to disprove that this is a scripted show) and starts referring to himself and his buddies as “The Muscle” and “The Roosters.” Jesus Handy Manny Christ, where do they find people like this? Who the f*ck talks about themselves as a rooster? Why in the world would I ever want to call myself a rooster and mean it in a sophisticated, self-centered way? I don’t look at roosters and say to myself, “You know what, if I could be any powerful animal in the world, I’d want to be that ground-pecker right there. He looks dangerous.” I’m not even on the show, but I’m voting his ass out. Please count my vote, Probst. Please, I beg of you. Send this dickwad home.
Well, we head on over to Tribal Council, where if you thought things would settle down, they didn’t. The guys talk some more about the alliances they’ve created (seriously, this is the first tribal council, guys, try and keep that sh*t a secret a little longer), Colton talks about how he has the Idol and that the girls gave it to him and that he’s GOING to play it. Every time he talks, I want to vote him out. Jeff, I change my vote, please let me vote for BOTH dickwads. Can we change the rules and vote two people out tonight? I can understand, maybe, telling your five-person alliance that you have the Idol, but why tell everybody? And, why tell them that the girls gave it to you and then go on to tell them that you love the girls and want to play with them? Why would that be a good strategy to tell the guy tribe that you are on at the moment that you have the girls on your side, so that when merge comes, you’re just going to jump ship and start voting with them, pretty much?!? Probst giving him the “Reverse Duh, Double Dare” was the exact reason why I will continuously say that he is the greatest reality TV show host of all time. There isn’t going to be anyone better than Jeff Probst. No other reality TV host says things like that to contestants WHILE they’re competing on the show. I love how he goes into Tribal and does his best to sway votes. I just don’t know why it doesn’t work more often.
Oh, that’s because he’s talking to people like Tarzan, who calls Colton smart and says he loves his strategy and thinks he’s playing a great game. Ok, good, so you’re basically giving yourself every reason to vote him out, right? No, you say you want him to win the game and you don’t care if he beats you to the $1 million? Oh ok, yeah, I figured that you wouldn’t want to go on Survivor to win the $1 million, you’d want to play the game to meet “smart” people like Colton and praise their strategy. I can’t even think of synonyms for idiot anymore. I think I’ve run out. I think I need to go back to school and become a plastic surgeon, because apparently all I need to do is prove I can grope a boob or two and I’m good to go.
And, what is Bill’s deal? I’m guessing he found the locals stash of weed plants out in the jungle. Do people honestly still talk like that? I think Bill just showed he’s wanted to be a white person his entire life. I think I’d pee on Bill’s face while he was sleeping just for still using the word “Bro” when he talks to people. Drink up, Bill.
As it happens, Matt gets voted out. I don’t think I have an issue with them voting this douche out, even if he is a “strong” person. None of these challenges require strength since the producers feel it’s not fair to the girls, so why not vote out “the muscle-y rooster.” Cockle-doodle-doo, motherf*cker.
On a strange note, anybody else find it weird that Probst wouldn’t let them hear/see the other votes? I don’t think I found it weird until the final scene when they usually show us who the other votes were for, but this time didn’t. I don’t get why that was. Did those two morons not show the camera who they were voting for? Has it always been this way where they don’t get to see it? I know that we’ve always gotten to see who voted for who, so why not show us this time? Why would it matter to us, it’s not like we are voting for who wins the game or anything like that? See, these are the hard hitting questions people need to ask Jeff Probst. That, and something like “How many hairy snatches have you seen over the years you wish you didn’t?” I think it’s probably reasons like that last comment why I haven’t found my way into “professional” writing just yet.
All right, well if you haven’t had enough, feel free to shoot me an email, because I have plenty more to say. I’m always up for a good bashing session. My week isn’t getting any better, so let’s do it…
Until next week,
Written by:
Scott Ottersen
Email: ScottOttersen@yahoo.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/ScottOttersen
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/ChokeOnMyBlog
Hi Scott! Since a rooster is also a “cock”, it’s fitting that Matt referred to himself as one…especially since is such a dick. I always look forward to your recaps – even when you’re in a bad mood it’s entertaining. Hope you have a better week 🙂
Why is your week so bad?? I’m sorry to hear that.
Anyway, I loooove Tosh.0!!! Serious question- is he gay? My husband and I wonder, seeing some of the shit he says and does. Either way, he is hilarious!
I’m intrigued by these idiots. I can’t wait to see what they do next. Colton was a complete ass for calling Bill ghetto and saying to go kill himself. That’s not funny. Saying he’s ghetto and needs to go back home to smokin blunts in the hood might be funny. But I haven’t thought Bill was ghetto.
When Bill was ‘speaking’ at Tribal Council, I was wondering perhaps his luxury item was an illeagal substance. What even was that??
This season so far is almost unwatchable.
I really dislike Colton. I can’t believe he said Bill should kill himself and that he is ghetto trash. This is my problem with him…he can say that stuff, but if someone said he should go kill himself for being gay (which I am strongly AGAINST, not saying someone should say that), it would be a horrible, horrible argument. He is racist for that and never even gave much of the guys a chance.
I agree with you about the challenges. I knew the girls would win the memory one, and even though they almost lost, the immunity challenge. Men/women tribes=worst idea ever.
I don’t really think my week has gotten THAT much better, but thanks for asking everyone!
As for Tosh.0, I will say that I do find him funny most of the time, but am still amazed he can get away with the stuff he says. I’m white, so I’m not offended by it, but I can’t imagine everybody is ok with him saying the stuff he’s saying, even if it is a joke.
As for him being gay, I don’t get that vibe from him. He could be, but I doubt it.
And, I think that scene where they showed Bill jumping up and down, calling everyone “Bro” all but summed up how unwatchable this season is. Just plain terrible. But, I AM going to be able to roast the shit out of these people!!
How come no one is looking for the other hidden immunity idol? I mean, I would be all over it, Even if the guys have to give it to a girl, duh, make a friend on the other team.