SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD – 2/16/12

After only a few minutes of introductions, Probst tells everyone he is going to split them into their tribes. Women on one side, men on another. Yes, he tells them that this season is going to be men vs. women. It’s been done before in Survivor past, but I never watched those seasons so I’m not so sure how they went. But, I can already imagine that it will be a sausage fest on one side and a bunch of catty b*tches on the other. Hey, don’t be mad, you women know it’s true. There could be two women left on the planet, God could tell them that all they need to do to restore society is get along for 24 hours and they’d still f*ck it up. It’s true, no women on this planet get along with each other. Just my honest observation from 30 years of life.

After splitting the tribes up, Probst tells them that he is going to give them 60 seconds to strip everything and anything they can off of the truck to bring to their camp. And, immediately the guys (well, Michael) realizes how smart it would be to just steal everything the women dump on their side to add to their pile. But, see if the jackass guys were REALLY intelligent, they would have seen that axe and then realized they could have used that to cut through the ropes that were holding everything onto the truck. Again, this is just another reason why I’d win any of these shows. There wouldn’t have been a thing left on that truck. I would have popped all the tires so that the truck couldn’t move and just slept on the seat inside the truck and had cover from the rain/cold. Yes, I realize that the truck wasn’t in the camp, but it’s not like it was going anywhere, so I could have walked back there since they were dumb enough to give me a map on how to get back to the spot.

Oh dear God, Tarzan is a plastic surgeon?!? If my wife ever wanted a boob job done and we walked into his office, I’m pretty sure we’d be walking right back out. He seems like the guy who would be sewing the implants about 5 inches below the breast, making it so the girl had to wear two bras for the rest of her life. I’m sure he’s the surgeon who hangs outside of shopping malls and hands out fliers offering two ass cheek implants for the price of one. I wouldn’t be surprised if his office was inside a shopping mall, right next to the food court, inside the arcade. You have to knock on the door next to the Big Buck Hunter game and spew out the secret password of the day, which he prints onto the gumballs you have to buy out of the machine at the front entrance of the mall. See, he’s actually not that stupid, he owns that gumball machine and assures himself he’ll at least make $2-$5 per day.

Salami (Salami sounds better than Salani – isn’t Salani the name of the big boobed poetress who went home first or second last season???) finds the camp first and figures out that the Manono tribe is camping on the same beach they are. These are the same girls who stupidly said that guys can’t survive without women, but we all know they were secretly happy once they realized the men would be on the same beach because all women know, deep down, they actually need men to survive. And, it has nothing to do with not being able to get along with women.

As they are settling into camp, they realize that the Production staff has placed some chickens inside their campgrounds and they make a deal that they will share the chickens they catch. And, Chelsea catches two of the chickens on her own. Impressively, she catches the second while already holding the first in the other hand. Immediately, she renegs on the deal and wants to bargain with the guys for them to give them something for one of the chickens. My first reaction was, “Hey, morons, there are four chickens, just go catch one of the other 2.” But, then I realized I was watching Survivor and not a Mensa convention, so the guys threw a hissy fit about the girls reneg-ing on the deal and decided they didn’t need the chicken and would just deal with it later. In all honesty, it was karma coming back to bite the men in the ass for stealing supplies from the women from the truck stunt. But, I will also say that even if the guys hadn’t done that, the girls would have done what they did…and for good reason. This is Survivor, you don’t just give things away. Shut up about the chickens, Matt, you aren’t getting an “apology chicken.” I think I’ve also realized that after only 8 words out of Matt’s mouth, he’s the kind of guy that needs to be punched in the face every day, right when he wakes up. No real reason why, just for the hell of it.

I can understand where Colton is coming from. But, I have to say that it bothers me when people feel they are stereotyped. I know stereotypes are around for a reason, but a lot of the reason people get stereotyped is because they feed into it and they have preconceived thoughts going into situations that blind and deafen them to anything other than what they believe to be the case. It’s the beginning of the first day, and you are already saying you are the outcast of the men’s camp and that your only option is to team with the girls. You didn’t even give the guys a chance to get to know you, or talk to you, or strategize with you, or anything, and you whimpered away like a little girl to cry on the girls shoulders about not being invited to the guy’s party. I think what he doesn’t realize is that he is going to end up painting a much bigger target on his back by frolicking around with the women, becoming friends with them, and making it completely obvious to the guys that you are going to jump ship from their tribe and join the womens’ once the merge happens. I know it’s way too early to be talking about the merge, but hell this game has evolved so much to where people create alliances on THE WAY TO THE CAMP ON THE FIRST DAY!!! So, showing the men that you want everything to do with the women is not the brightest move.

But, then we hear Matt talking some more and I can then see why Colton goes ahead and thinks he’s the outcast. He refers to his compatriot as “Jay Bird” and it was then and there that I decided he needs to be punched in the face twice every morning now. He thinks he’s a lock to stay because he’s strong and they never pick off the strong ones first. I think you kind of gave them the reason why in your speech with how your tribe is full of strong men. In a toilet filled with several turds, it never hurts to flush one. You’d like to flush them all, but getting rid of the smelliest one first doesn’t exactly hurt. Yes, I know that makes no sense, but the guy is a turd, so you all get it…