SURVIVOR – 12/15/11

Well, we’re almost there! We’ve endured Cochran’s slimy ass, Edna morphing into a Koopa (if you don’t know what I mean, trust me she kinda looks like one), Rick’s mustaches’ porn career being more entertaining than Rick himself, Brandon praying so much that even God told him to cool it, and Coach turning every small, meaningless event on the island into a philosophy lesson. And, here we are just one 3-hour finale special away from throwing these people out of our lives. I’m not going to miss any single one of you. Be gone, please.

“Then there were five.” Coach explains that they can always say that they played this game with honor, loyalty, and integrity. Yet, he goes on to explain that the real game begins tonight and honor, loyalty and integrity are being thrown out the window in order to save their own asses. I think someone should explain to Coach that you can’t be honorable, loyal, and have integrity for a portion of an event and then throw it out the window and then still consider yourself an honorably and loyal person. That would be like someone from the military fighting half the war on the American side and then saying, “Well, I think the other side needs my help more now, I might go fight with them.” There is no honor in pretending to be honorable, a-hole. These people need to get over themselves and how they stayed true to each other. You had nowhere to go, so of course you stuck by each other. Anyone on the outside got sent packing, so it’s not honor and loyalty that kept you together, it’s just the fact that you’re five of the biggest dipsh*ts to ever play this game and nobody gives a damn about your stupid ideals. Go pray on that.

Albert talks about how Sophie is more dangerous than Rick (understatement of the century) and that he’d rather keep Rick around to the final 3. He also explains how he wants to go to the final 3 with Rick and Coach and I can’t help but wonder why he thinks he’d take Coach. From the other tribe’s standpoint (and they’ve even said it at Tribal Council before), they believe Coach to be the leader of the Upolu tribe, and jury members do tend to vote for leaders to win. So, with that, why wouldn’t you want to take Brandon’s crazy ass? Everyone has seen how crazy he is, so there is no way on Earth they will give him $1 million. But, nobody said Skinny Albert was the brightest. I can only imagine the advice he gives people going on dates. He must specialize in breaking people up. Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea for a business. I may start my own “Break Up” company where people pay me to come up with creative ways to break up with their significant other. I like where I’m going with this. Maybe more to come on this on my Twitter.

We cut over to the Duel where Koopa takes on Foursome in what people may think is a bigger mismatch than the last duel with Cochran, but the way they’ve been making all of these duels puzzle-based, it’s anyone’s game. One thing I can say about these duels is that I don’t think it should be allowed that the people watching can help the people in the duel. That’s no longer a duel then. That’s a team. Come on Probst, you guys should be on top of this. But, I guess after 23 seasons, even you no longer care about the fairness of the competition. For a second it appeared Edna was going to take out Ozzy, but her puzzle was incorrect and Ozzy took advantage of the extra time by winning his 307th duel in a row (at least that’s how long it has felt since he was first sent to Redemption – God I feel like this season has been a lot longer than 13 episodes).

Back at camp, Sophie explains to Coach that Ozzy is the most dangerous player in the game because he is the last person to be making contact with all of the Jury members and that they get to go through “Ozzy’s Pleasure Dome” before they head off to Jurydom. He feeds them, can put thoughts in their heads, spread lies about what other people may have said. I think Sophie may be right, but at the same time, you just never know what the people of the Jury are thinking. She also talks about how Brandon is the next biggest threat because he’s Godly and loyal. Yeah, that sounds about right. I think I’ll vote for the crazy son of a b*tch who went all kind of apesh*t crazy on the island because he believes in God and is loyal to the point where I feared for my life while I slept if I said anything about his alliance. I don’t get if these people are playing a different game then we are seeing, because I feel like we must be missing something about Loco that they aren’t showing us. Maybe he gave nightly massages to all the people at camp or perhaps he gave out showered people’s bushes to add comfort to their lives on the island. He had to have done something we didn’t see, because I can’t imagine ANY scenario where ANY of these people would vote for him to win the $1 million prize.

At that point, we get the foreshadowing moment when Pretty Eyes, Coach, and Rick all agree they are going to send home Loco. This meant he was going to win Immunity.

Albert then approaches Coach and tells him that Sophie is more dangerous than Brandon. And, Coach tells us all that Albert doesn’t like Sophie and wants her gone because she’s smarter than he is. Yes, we’re back in the third grade. I think the fact that someone is smarter than I am is the PERFECT reason to kick them off of Survivor. I have never had an issue with admitting that someone is smarter than I am. When I meet that person, I will let everyone know! But, in Survivor, if you’re second fiddle in the brains department, you best make sure first fiddle is sitting on that Jury pine come voting time. Those speeches at the end sway votes and you want people like Brandon sticking their foot in their mouth sideways instead of someone like Sophie coming off eloquent, with a well thought-out strategic speech. If anything now, Coach is the idiot for not seeing this. Then, again, Coach is an idiot who all of the sudden believes God talks to him and maybe God already told him that it doesn’t matter who goes to final 3 because CBS already direct deposited the $1 million into his checking account.

I enjoyed the moment with Coach and Loco after Coach and Albert were talking about voting him out and they got caught. Brandon called them out and asked them what the conversation was about and Coach got pissed. With Coach getting so pissed, it should have been 100% clear to Brandon that he was right in assuming they weren’t talking about what they said they were talking about. But, Coach’s response was uncalled for. I didn’t get why he went off on Brandon so harshly, calling him a bully and that he was acting like Russell at the moment. All he did was walk up to them and ask them what the conversation was. I don’t remember him asking if they were talking about him, but Coach definitely took it that way. I think something inside Coach’s head snapped around Day 10 and he lost himself or something, because he’s starting to come off more crazy than Brandon does at this point in time. Well, until the next scene when Brandon talks, of course. But, the two crazies share a hug and we move on.

At the Immunity Challenge, Probst must have realized he couldn’t let Cochran be right about him, so he wore a green shirt instead of a blue one. Either that, or the washing machine on the island turned his shirt a light green. You know how great a season a show is having when you’re more excited about seeing the host wear a different color shirt than a color that was said he wore all the time just two episodes ago. Pretty dismal.