SURVIVOR – 12/1/11

I wanted to start this blog off with something I’ve been dying (for two weeks now) to talk about. That is the fact that our good friend Oscar (better known as Ozzy) most definitely did not make his “reality TV” debut on Survivor. He made it on a Playboy TV Reality show called “Foursome.” The premise behind the show was to stick two guys and two girls in a house for 24 hours and watch them f*ck each other. And, f*ck is exactly what Ozzy did on the show. On camera. Full nudity. Even better, he’s not the only reality TV “star” that made their debut on this show. Finding this out just further points me in the direction that all reality TV contestants are either actors of some sorts or are friends of the casting department employees, because I still don’t know how people get on shows like these. Seriously, where do you even hear about that they’re looking for guys and girls to have sex with each other in some random house for Playboy TV and decide to yourself, “Hey, I’m a normal guy, working a normal job, why don’t I go show my c*ck on live TV and maybe bang a chick or two while I’m there, I won’t lose my job because of that…or any self respect.”

Well, actually the self respect thing I just threw in for good measure, I’m sure most guys self respect would shoot through the roof after something like this, but still, I can’t figure out how these people all get chosen for the shows they are on. For shows like Big Brother and Survivor, those are huge national television shows that advertise their “casting calls,” but I don’t think Foursome was advertising in the local papers that they wanted some freeballers to come swing their d*cks and t*ts in the shower for a night or two.
Anyway, I can’t post the links here, but if you wanted to see what I was talking about just Google Ozzy Lusth foursome and I’m sure you’ll see for yourself. Just try variations of that if you can’t find anything juicy.

One other thing I wanted to get to before I move on to the episode was an email I received about my obsession with Sophie and her eyes. I am not sure if I made it clear, but I was not saying that I thought she was the hottest woman ever to be on Survivor. I just am pointing out that she has pretty eyes. Not that I care if people think I think she’s attractive (I don’t), but I just felt that needed some clarification since I was already planning on talking about a recent article I read on the “Hottest Survivor” women contestants. They did not place numbers next to the women, so I don’t know the order, but the fact that they had Sierra (someone I called “Stick Legs”) on that list made it null and void. Uh, no. I know everyone has different tastes, but come on now, we’re talking about “Hottest” contestants and you put Sierra on that list? I can see Parvati and Kelly Sharbaugh, but you lost me at Sierra and Candice. One other girl I will mention, only because it brings me back to defining what I mean when I say “Survivor Pretty” is Natalie White, who is the girl who won Russell’s first season. If you saw her on the show, she was incredibly attractive, but at the finale, all dolled up and dressed up, she did not do it for me. But, I think that was because she should have never won in the first place.
I digress enough and will just move on to the episode, otherwise we’ll be here all day talking about nonsense and jibberish (I don’t care what Microsoft Word says, this has to be the correct spelling).

We open the show with Coach telling us that they have eradicated all Savaii tribe members. Uh, I think someone should tell Coach that The Coch is standing right next to him. Sorry Cochran, him saying that doesn’t bode well for your future.

With all that’s going on and it becoming severely obvious to Cochran that he’s next to go, he talks about needing to make a move to assure himself another night in the game. You have to love someone who talks about making a move instead of stating the obvious that he just needs to win Immunity. Oh, but that’s right, we’re talking about Cochran, the world’s least likely person to ever win a Challenge in Survivor. But, with that said, Cochboy, you’re next move is to get rid of Coach. Enough said. But, with how idiotic everyone is on this tribe, that has more of a chance of happening than Kris Humphries becoming a fixture inside Kim Kardashian’s ass.

I feel like this episode was littered with comment gold. It was too tough for me to choose a comment of the night, so I’ll just say they all win. And, it all started with Cochran’s “I really want to trade sperm with you.” I don’t know why Cochran was making fun of his prank call past, because I don’t know about you, but I think that is a perfect prank call. If it leaves the person you are pranking wondering what the hell just happened, you did your thing. I just loved how he described it as him not knowing much about sex, so that’s what he came up with to say. Way too damn funny. I’m definitely using that line on some females…er, I mean my wife. Who would have ever thought someone would be taking tips on picking up chicks from John Cochran. I can guarantee you some idiot is getting laid tonight by using that line on some drunk girl named Snooki.

I enjoyed the back-and-forth the editing team did with Sophie and The Coch. She first talked about how she wanted him out because she could see now why he was so annoying to everyone else. But, she could also see how his personality would work in his favor and could possibly get him further in the game. Then, we get Cochran telling Upolu that he wants the “debt to be repaid” and for them to keep him at least one extra night. Again, this is the stupidest plea I’ve ever heard in my life, especially when you consider it’s coming from someone who CLAIMS he goes to Harvard Law. You are studying to be a f*cking lawyer and this is the best argument you could come up with?!? You stand in front of them and demand that they repay your “debt” by keeping you just one more night. What is one more night going to get you? I hope they institute something next season that the crew will call the “Pussy-O-Meter.” What this will be is that whenever the staff of Survivor feel as if someone is making a pussy statement, they will instantly step in and kick their ass out of the game. This statement would be their benchmark.