SURVIVOR – 10/20/11

We’re back! After doing Big Brother three times a week, it feels like Survivor takes forever to come on every Wednesday. And, then we have to sit through a boring episode like last night’s and it makes it feel less worth it to have waited so long. I’m going to have to pull out all stops to make these people seem like they were entertaining! So, here we go…

We open the show back at the Savaii camp, where Ozzy is livid with his tribe because he was blindsided by “Keith & Whitney” (no mention of Weed Boy – Jim) voting for someone else and not telling him. If I’m mad at those two for anything it’s for the fact that they showed no backbone by not even being “man” enough to actually vote Elyse out and stab me in the back. I think I’d take more offense to them doing what they did than Jim and the rest of the gang for actually voting out Elyse. At least they made a “Survivor move” to strengthen themselves, all Keith and Whitney did was prove that they’re off on their own, thinking about how disgusting it would be to have sex with each other after not showering for 15 days. Note to them, not disgusting at all, just sayin’.

Anyway (one reader was gracious enough to give me a grammar lesson and tell me that the term “anyways” isn’t the correct term – so my change in technique is all you), Ozzy tells everyone that “I am now, what you call, a free agent.” He tells them he is playing the game for himself and they can play the game for themselves, as well. He also divulges the fact that he has the hidden immunity idol. I never thought Adiaas (my new name for Ozzy, if you don’t remember from last week) was THAT stupid. I feel as if next season should be The Intelligent vs. The Idiot season and Ozzy should come back and captain The Idiot tribe. Jesus, he couldn’t be playing a stupider game right now.

This is all to the delight of Weed Smoke and The Coch (sounds like a ghetto porn title). Jim explains that Ozzy having this melt down is good and bad, because it makes him a target, but at the same time he knows that he needs Ozzy to stay until the merge because they need to win competitions now and go to the merge with numbers, but also he needs to be there to have a bigger target on his back once the merge does happen. And, The Coch even goes as far as to call Ozzy a “stupid bitch.” Uh oh, Cochie, I don’t think Ozzy is going to like watching that back.

Over at Upolu, Coach is struggling with his decision not to tell El Loco Burrito that he found the hidden immunity idol. He said he feels bad about not telling him because he told Brandon he wanted to play the Christian game with him and not lie, but he also knows how much of a loose cannon Brandon is and that he could go off and tell everyone he has it. This leads to a funny montage of Brandon pulling a Hantz and finding the clue (geez, they made it seem like nobody else has ever found a clue before and only a Hantz can do it) and running up every tree in the jungle trying to find the idol with Coach and Albert basically laughing at the kid the whole time.

Again, I’m still wanting to ask CBS what it is exactly they’re not showing us from the seasons when Russell played. Did he kill somebody and bury them in the jungle? Is CBS covering up a murder? Because, Coach sure made it seem as if that is the case the way he was explaining his “flash backs” of the horrible past he had on Heroes vs. Villains with Russell and how Brandon reminds him of Russell so much even in the way he walks. Get over it already, CBS (and Coach). I know Russell is a ratings giant for your show, but the man isn’t on this season. Are you guys going to cast a relative of his for every upcoming season? I need to know this now so I can make the decision whether or not I even want to watch next season.

Jesus, that was a quick transition over to the duel. We just got done listening to Coach cry about Russell and are thrown right into the duel, where it’s inevitable that I’ll be saying my lovely Elyse for the last time. This is a sad moment for me. Her first mistake was letting Christine go first. People always are so quick to think that you have the advantage going second, but that is not always the case. I prefer going first and putting the pressure on my opponent by striking first. It’s why, in baseball, you put your best hitters at the top of the order. In boxing/MMA, you want to hit the other guy first and not just wait for him to hit you in the face. And, in the way this game was set up, when you have to be the FIRST person to knock off the other person’s pucks, you want to go first. I know that she sort of did end up going first after Christine threw her puck into the side ditch without even touching the pucks, but I still think she wasted her first throw, too. There is no learning curve like Probst said. It’s like “breaking” in pool, you throw that puck down there as hard as you can and bust those pucks up, hoping to knock a few of hers off. If some of yours go, so be it, at least you are taking action and not just sitting back and watching yourself lose.

Anyway, her next mistake was knocking her own puck off the table. I’m going to miss you in your bikini, Elyse. I hope to see you in the future, somewhere, anywhere. Christine has now won four duels in a row, yet I look back on it and kind of only remember her in three, but I get something like 4 hours of sleep every night, so for all I know this season is already over and you all are just egging me on making me think I’m watching this happen live. I kind of feel like my life is like the people who use the letter ‘E’ to replace the number ‘3.’ Seriously, they do realize that they don’t look anything alike, right?

Quick note, be glad that I just erased a 311-word rant about how I hate kids these days and their “text talk.” I felt so old writing it, so I had to delete it even though I know my whiny b*tch rants are the funniest part of my repertoire. Sorry and you’re welcome.

We head back to the Upolu camp where Rick actually speaks. He’s talking to Sophie about how he can’t believe that Christine is so upset at them and that she flicked him off. She’s kind of been isolated at Redemption Island for a week or so with little-to-no food and one person at a time rotating in and out of her “camp.” You guys screwed her over and voted her out, so I kind of think the reason as to why she’s so upset is fairly apparent. I guess you don’t learn human emotion by watching squirrels have sex, though. But, they fear that if she does get back in the game, she would flip right away. I guess those squirrels teach you a little something…yes, she’ll be flipping.

Back at Savaii, Ozzy juggles Keith’s balls in his mouth for a few minutes in hopes of making up and realigning with him. Free agency is over and Ozzy wants to sign back with the team who basically told him he’s not running things anymore. I think Ozzy was smart to try and start playing like a “free agent” (just not announcing it to everyone), so I hope he keeps that in the back of his mind and just goes with what the tribe wants to do for the time being, get to the merge, and then go where the numbers are to advance himself in the game.